Posted by Honore on January 13, 2007, at 11:48:42
In reply to Re: Dream, posted by Daisym on January 12, 2007, at 18:04:27
Hi, Daisym.
I guess the cab might be like therapy. It certainly seemed that the dream was about my therapy, in some way. The strange part was falling asleep in the cab and waking up so far away from where I thought I was going. It could just be my life, rather than therapy-- not that I fell asleep, but that I'm certainly really far away from where I would have thought I was going.
You're right, though, the streets did get more deserted. It was as if I was in a neighborhood at the beginning, even if it was a rough neighborhood, and then I was in a part of a downtown where there are dark empty office buildings or parking garages and there was really no one there.
I thought the girl could save me-- I don't know why, she was really young-- and I don't feel terribly comfortable with children. Of course, she didn't really feel like a child. It's hard to say what she felt like. But I just felt I couldn't get to her, that I would be carried away by an undertow or strong current that I couldn't see, even though the water wasn't so deep.
I kind of knew that I could get to her-- I just didn't believe that I could-- it was like I didn't want to make the effort any more of believing in it enough to try, because (I guess) IRL, I can't sustain the belief, and I'm tired of fighting for it and losing it so many times.
I wasn't as frightened at the end of the dream as I often am, at the end of dreams. It was more as if there was some sort of stasis. Not that it could last forever-- really-- but as if I could just put off the decision. Probably it's somehow about that-- that I'm putting off something-- maybe not so much about my T, but about life. But I'm not sure I can ever stop putting it off-- and therefore I'm not sure I can ever be okay, ie do the internal things I'd have to do, to be okay.
I sort of have a feeling that maybe I could do them-- but then I guess it would be much harder than it seems, when it seems possible-- and the part that's the hardest is not letting myself fall apart-- having the stamina to keep going, rather than falling back into despair and futility, particularly when I already feel despairing and futile. I dont' know if I can do that. But it also seems that it's not just going to happen.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense.
Thanks a lot for thinking remembering me.
Honore
poster:Honore
thread:721648
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070103/msgs/721947.html