Posted by Daisym on December 22, 2006, at 2:56:09
We talked about love today in therapy. Which is kind of interesting since I called last night and said I wasn't coming today. I left upset yesterday, mostly because there is a part of me that is absolutely terrified of how intensely needy I've been feeling again. And my therapist wants to muck around in the need, he wants to allow it and he talks about giving all my feelings space. I'm mortified and want to run from them. But I ended up going, mostly because my therapist left a message saying he understood if I really needed a break but he hoped I would change my mind so that we didn't have to go a whole week without seeing each other. *sigh* A week isn't really a long time except when counted in that psychological space between sessions.Then it feels like forever.
So I went. And I ended up telling him how painful it is to feel all this love for him - love that is part crush, part little kid need and part fury - all rolled up in a confusing mixture of intensity. I told him it was terrifying to know how much power he has to hurt me, especially if he rejects me. Yet how can he not? He said that all loving relationships involve risk, that there is potential for hurt because you are opening yourself up to someone. He said even in a super-safe relationship like ours, there is still risk, because we inadvertently hurt each other at some time or another. But that love can survive these hurts, because we talk about them. He said I have a very wrong view of how he sees my feelings, that he is deeply touched and honored because being loved by someone is special, not stupid. It surprised me that he would agree about the risk of being hurt, instead of telling me that therapy was a risk-free zone. But it felt honest, and real.
We've had this discussion before, I just thought my feelings had settled down into an acceptable, tolerable attachment. Now I have this flare up of need and intense loneliness between sessions. I told him I desperately want him to protect me and the only way he can do that is to be with me more, like in the middle of the night when I wake up afraid. We talked for the rest of the session about what the middle of the night is like for me and how important sleep is, etc. I gave him his Christmas gift and left in tears, both relieved that he is OK with me still loving him and scared of being without him for nearly a week.
And then...about 6 blocks from his office, my voice mail bell went off. I was shocked to hear his voice come on and say, "You just left but I wanted to leave you my voice to hang on to for the next few days. I'll be thinking about you and sending you lots of good energy and thoughts. I'll protect you as much as I can, so take me with you, hear my voice and feel my caring. I'm with you. You know you can call me if things get really bad but I worry you won't so this is something else to help you get centered again." He told me to journal and bring in the pages next week and to call and leave a message if I wanted to let him know how I was doing. He was calm and soothing -- it was such a great, long message. I hadn't thought to ask him to leave me a message, but I was so happy that he just did it. I cried most of the way home, feeling his caring and his warmth all around me.
I guess the risk of loving him, and telling him, was worth it.
poster:Daisym
thread:715624
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061210/msgs/715624.html