Posted by Dinah on November 25, 2006, at 9:36:02
In reply to Re: Neutral? » Daisym, posted by annierose on November 25, 2006, at 7:30:16
Annierose, I don't believe in neutral in a long term relationship of any sort.
First of all, we know each other well enough to see past neutral. If you don't know how to read the person sitting opposite you several times a week for many years, and moreover one whose reactions are so subtle that you have to develop extra sensitive antennae, well...
Second, there *is* no neutral in any long term relationship. Neutral is a reaction like any other. Neutral is fine in those short term relationships where you do a bit of CBT and move on. But it's like not doing something. Not doing something is a choice of action as much as doing something is.
When we spoke of moving, my therapist was "neutral". His neutrality drove me to choose to move, because neutrality hurt. Neutrality sent a message. When we signed a contract to purchase a house, he showed emotion. He was sad. His sadness was what I needed to help me do what I wanted and what I thought was best for my family. A frank discussion with him about the effects of his neutrality, and my belief that there was no neutral, was enormously beneficial. He admitted that I was likely right. And admitted that what he was trying to do was to avoid influencing my decision with his feelings, and that what he ended up doing was influencing my decision by hiding his feelings.
I hope she learns quicker than my therapist did that her neutrality is telling you something, and it's not necessarily something from your childhood.
IMO, that's denying and minimizing the very real relationship (albeit a boundaried one) that you've built up in the years you've been together.
Just my two cents.
((((Annierose))))
Your therapist is supposed to help you at times like these, not hurt you more.
poster:Dinah
thread:706936
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061123/msgs/707018.html