Posted by SatinDoll on November 3, 2006, at 4:17:00
I can't take life anymore, I can't handle stress that is coming my way from every direction.
Got into a "fight" with my T on Monday, called him up and asked him if he fell on his head or something.
Totally messed up a big solo in my concert. Don't know if my T was there. Don't EVER want to play again. There are some rewards, but lately It is just making me feel inadaquate and a nervous wreck. The rewards are not making up for the low self esteem it is causing me.
Before my concert I planned a massage and accupuncture treatment for my performance anxiety. The place totally messed up my appointment. After my massage, (which was very good), they left me in the dark room for accu, but then then they forgot about me in there! I was in there for a good 30 minutes waiting, then I ran out of time, had to get ready for my concert. So instead of benfiting from the massage, it just brought me to tears all day before my performance.
First getting no sleep because of my fight with my T . He did call me that morning after he got my not nice 3 messages to him. I HATE his new voice mail by the way. If you delay too long in speaking, it will tell you talk louder and then eventually it hangs up on you if you don't say anything ( my mind was drawing a blank) Then I called back to continue telling my T how I am not happy about our session or him and then my message was too long and it hung up. I called up a 3rd time and told my T that his answering machine won't even stop me from saying what was on my mind.
He gave me an extra appointment for this Monday. It seems so far away. I need him more than ever.
Oh yeah when he called me backand appolized, and I said I was sorry for being so critical. He asked if I meant to be critical torwards him, and I am like YA, ( you dummy, what ? was I calling him to say how much I like him?) I said something about our "fake" relationship. He said it wasn't fake, it was real, but a different kind of relationship. Well I said my feelings are real and my appology was sincere.
I am falling really falling and I don't know if I can hold on anymore. I feel like the world is throwing stones at me until I die from being stoned to death. One hurtful rock after another.
poster:SatinDoll
thread:699974
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20061026/msgs/699974.html