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I had a nightmare last night *touch trigger*

Posted by Racer on October 29, 2006, at 13:04:32

Last night, I had another nightmare about that agency. This one maybe taught me something, though. It's certainly left me with a lot of roiling emotions, but at least I can think they may lead to something better for me.

In the dream, I was back at the agency, and they'd given me another T for that day, at least. I didn't want another T, but they said I couldn't see the one I'd been seeing. (They told me this right then, so no warning in advance.) It was a man, and he started walking me to the room we'd use for the appointment. I asked to stop and use the ladies room, and he said OK. The ladies room wasn't the kind with stalls, just a room with a toilet and sink. I put down the paper cover, and sat down -- and the door opened! The T was coming in, with a bunch of other people who were scary looking -- Cuckoo's Nest type scary, homeless types, which some of that agency's patients looked like -- and said that there wasn't time for me to do this, I was making everything late, and we had to start the group therapy right then. I protested, but he said that I had to get over my sense of entitlement and cooperate. Needless to say, it was very hard for me to [what's a good euphemism? tinkle?], and I felt ashamed and upset. Then I had to stand up to pull up my pants, and again -- according to the T, it was only my sense of entitlement that made me feel upset that everyone was watching.

Then we were in the hallway, walking towards a room to use for the rest of the session. The other people were gone, it was only the two of us. Someone stopped him to talk, and he grabbed my upper arm, just at the top of my shoulder, to stop me. I said, "please don't touch me." He ignored it, as though he hadn't heard me at all. I said it again, and again. I said it again, pleading by now, but he was ignoring me, as though he hadn't heard me, but I got the sense that he was ignoring me on purpose, because I had to learn to cooperate, that i wasn't in control, etc. I collapsed, just slid down the wall next to me to the floor, crying, and went straight to that helpless place that we talk about in therapy. Just curled up on the floor in a tiny knot, crying uncontrollably, and feeling so helpless.

I still have a lot of emotions churned up about it all, but I do at least see two things: I really am entitled to privacy in the lavatory; and when I used my voice to ask for what I needed, I was ignored -- and that's what sent me into that helpless place. So, this morning I called my T -- which is always a very big deal for me -- and I left her a message, telling her about the dream, and saying that I was calling her to see if I could feel as though I was entitled to do that.

The answer to the last part, by the way, is no. I don't feel as though I was entitled to do that. But at least I know that she has told me it's OK, so this feeling about having done it is coming from me, from my own fears and dark places.

Which, of course, doesn't mean I don't think I'll get "in trouble" for having done it... And I have some fear that it's about trust, and I'm going to regret opening up more by doing it -- that I've taken a risky move, somehow.

I guess we'll have a lot of grist for the mill this week, huh?




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