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I criticized my T today

Posted by Racer on October 26, 2006, at 21:33:11

That's right, I criticized my T today. Started off the session with it. Had a big tantrum, ended up being hauled out of the room in a wheelbarrow, and she fired me.

Not really.

I really did say something critical to her about last week's session, and we talked about it. The criticism was about the whole pdoc/meds thing. I was certainly upset, nothing she said was wrong, but I felt invalidated. I told her that. I told her I think I really wanted at least a little of the, "Yes, of course you're frightened, but you made the appointment, you didn't cancel, you went through with it all. That's very brave of you. And now let's talk about what you have to work on so you stop doing that."

What was so funny, is that at the end of that section of the talk, she said, "And bringing this up was very brave of you."

It wasn't nearly as frightening as it might have been six months ago, either. Well, maybe it was more frightening than it would have been then, since I wouldn't have said anything about it six months ago... ;-) Guess that's a sign of progress, huh? It's a sign that I'm learning to trust her more. I already trust her at a certain level, but I know I still have that bit that holds back. I think saying something critical to her is a sign that that bit is starting to thaw a bit.

In fact, we talked a lot about trust today. Mostly about the new pdoc. She asked if I was any less frightened after seeing him a second time. Honestly? Not so's you'd notice... But I can feel that I'm starting to want to trust him, there's a bit of a thaw involved there, too.

You know, I think that may have been the part that I didn't manage to put into words today: I don't want to give my trust to this doctor, any more than I wanted to give my trust to my T. She earned my trust. I want him to earn my trust, too. And frankly? I don't think that's too much to ask.

Wow. That sounded as though I meant it. That almost convinced me that I thought I deserved it...




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