Posted by wishingstar on September 12, 2006, at 19:10:02
In reply to first day of partial hosp program, posted by wishingstar on September 11, 2006, at 16:29:09
I made it through 2 days alive.. physically anyway. Emotionally, this is very very hard.
An amazing thing happened today though. I am NOT a crier... not at all. On my own sometimes, but my current T who I've been with for at least a year has never seen my cry, if that says anything. I just dont do it. Well, I broke down and cried in the second general group today. I calmed myself down fairly quickly, but it was a big flood of tears. I was so embarassed and wouldnt look at anyone. I apologized right away and of course the leader said it was fine. But it was very hard.
The group leader, Randy, had asked us what we believe is at our core. What personality characteristics. One person said compassion, caring, etc.. he wrote them on the board. Then he asked me. I said I truly didnt know.. and he said there must be something I'm sure of. But I told him there isnt. I used to believe that I was independent, caring, etc etc... but for varying reasons, I'm not sure of any of those anymore. He started talking about being worthy and whether or not I thought I was, and the tears were there.. but then he made me look at each person in the room and say whether they were worthy or not. Of course they are and that was the point. I didnt get past the first person. I lost it. I knew I had problems with feeling like I deserve love and am a good person, but I didnt know it was there that strongly. Wow. I have never felt so tense and anxious as after that ended though.
As I mentioned in my last post, I ran into anne yesterday and she said shed call me today. After the program today I was so excited for her to call to tell her what I'd done. I was pretty proud of myself. Did she call? Of course not! Somehow this still surprises me every time. It really shouldnt. But it never fails to be a surprise. It hurts a LOT. Here I am in the biggest crisis since I've been seeing her, in the day program, she said she'd call today.. and no. I know it's time to move on to someone else. It's just so hard.
So thats where I am. I probably wont update every day after today (unless you guys are that interested?) because ill be in another 3 days at least.. but things are getting into a rhythm now. I see the psychiatrist tomorrow so hopefully I'll FINALLY get some meds. That will be good.
poster:wishingstar
thread:685077
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/685402.html