Posted by llrrrpp on July 23, 2006, at 1:12:39
In reply to Re: open mouth, insert foot? (suicide trigger*) » llrrrpp, posted by Racer on July 22, 2006, at 19:43:23
> Well, here's the Racer Review of your situation:
>
> A senior member of your department inappropriately disclosed personal details to subordinates. One of those subordinates contacted said senior member with a suggestion of avenues to explore for help -- the kind of help which would (one devoutly hopes) minimize the chances of a repeat of the inappropriate intimacy. Senior member chastises subordinate for offering a suggestion which might have allowed him to perform his professional duties more appropriately.
>
> Let's break that down a little more:
>
> 1. Some guy at work spills his guts to people below him on the totem pole.
>
> That's just inappropriate. That's NOT something that should happen, and it is a form of harrassment. It's very generous of you NOT to be angry with him for that.yes. you're SO right. Thank GOD this guy doesn't work with me.
>
> 2. You wrote to him, suggesting that he find an appropriate place to spill his guts.
>
> That's very generous of you, too. Again, the sort of intimacy you're describing is inappropriate. Period. Did you ASK him for details of everything going on? Did you ASK him to dump it on you? Well, then he did something which interfered with the functioning of the department. By suggesting that he get professional help, you were actually suggesting that he protect himself from professional harm. Don't you think that's generous of you?It was generous. I did it in a timely fashion too. discreetly. yep. you're right again (2 points for racer)
> 3. He barked at you for suggesting help.He sure did.
> Well, let's see, can you fill in this part without me?
>
> So, now you're afraid and ashamed of what you've done? You did something nice for someone who did something not nice to you. Why do you feel ashamed and not angry? I'm gonna bet that this is recreating something that happened before in your life. I say that only because that's what it usually is for me. Do you think that might be it? A learned response to this sort of situation, where someone else says you're in the wrong, even though you thought you were doing something good?
>yes. right again. This guy evaluated me once, almost 5 years ago (didn't remember me in the bar last night, though. didn't even recognize me as a member of his dept. Chalk it up to memory loss from ECT- funny how he remembered my hot friend, though... (too much information. seriously too much information)) I was super new at the time, desparately seeking approval, and not sure if I belonged. and what do you know? This guy who's a bad-a*s, super smart and way too cool had to evaluate me. And at one point, I asked for an extension because I was getting married, and he put up a fight. He actually made me cry. (I don't think he noticed though- jerk) and for whatever reason, I worked my @ss off to prove to him (or myself) that I *did* belong here.
Maybe in writing that e-mail I was hoping that he would write back "that's good advice. thanks for thinking of me" or "I'm working on it" or "see you around". Instead, I think I embarrassed him. The morning after his multiple indiscretions, I reminded him of himself and his flaws. Oh well.
> Lurp, I hope some of that sinks in. If it doesn't, how about thinking about why I can see it and believe it for you, but not for myself? And then think about that in reverse. If I'd told you that story, how would you have responded to me?
the thing is, that people on babble are expecting advice, or response, or feedback. people in real world dump all this crap on you and expect what? that you'll sit there and smile and nod while they self-destruct? That you'll bear the burden of keeping their moral transgressions secret? Seriously, I know his wife, and they have kids. I know he's up for promotion. I think his telling strangers this stuff is just another self-destructive move on his part. Oh well. I'm making myself distant. Adios!
> Good luck. I might actually suggest to you that you discuss this, in confidence, with someone you trust directly above you: "I'm a little concerned, because X dumped a bunch of personal information at me/us, and it seemed kinda inappropriate, so I wrote privately to him to suggest he might feel better if he saw a doctor. He wrote back saying I shouldn't write to senior members of the department suggesting they get professional help. I really was trying to help. Do you have any advice for me?" Just think about how to say it so that you're not blaming X, but you are emphasizing that his behavior was unsettling and inappropriate.
Fortunately, I was with 3 other underlings, and we were simultaneously appalled. Because he's up for promotion soon, I don't think that telling other people in the dept. would help his situation any. And this stuff spreads like wildfire, so they'll find out anyways (his affair is already well-known, as is his struggles with mental illness).
> I really do hope that helps.
It does. It really does. You inspired me to respond to each of your points, in my own words. And I think I'm starting to believe my words too.
Thanks for your lengthy response. :o)
-ll
poster:llrrrpp
thread:669420
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669582.html