Posted by james K on July 21, 2006, at 16:35:35
All these different boards all about the same things for me. I'm sitting here with a few drinks in me, and I perhaps shouldn't be drinking and some are doing so well in not. But I feel confident, I don't hate myself right now. I can see the good parts of me - my talents, knowledge, personality. I'm becoming suicidal again. That's the big unspoken secret in my life right now. Not because I'm miserable, but because I can't stand the view if I jump up and look down at the big picture.
I'm so lonely. I need work and friendship again. It's all right there for me, I just have to grab it. I've recently remembered what it is like to feel like a failure a reject to have people staring with disaproval. I'm not strong enough. I want to have fun. I want to feel like I've earned my moments. I want.
I'm just writing all this to put the truth out somewhere somehow. Thinking about suicide sucks. I'm not there yet, but it creeps up. It's so easy to think about quitting.I'm not self injurious right now. I split my head open a few weeks ago with the phone. I was so hurt about the circumstances involving my new job and harrassment by a mean person, and when the emotions hit, I didn't want to feel them, so bashed my head with the hand part of the phone. Somehow split it open. another permanent scar. No thought or premeditation.
I've reached maximum out of pocket on my insurance plan for the year. In theory, I could have therapy for free till January. I'm saying it here to make the possibility real. Maybe to aknowledge the reality and neccessity of action.
There is a woman who has a private practice who also runs the unit I've been inpatient in twice. She was willing to take me on as a client earlier this year. She had an opening at that time. It would be right to call her. I may. I don't make promises because breaking them hurts worse than not making them.
Rambling
James K
poster:james K
thread:669073
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060721/msgs/669073.html