Posted by Dinah on July 19, 2006, at 9:54:25
In reply to Re: Still need help framing » Dinah, posted by curtm on July 19, 2006, at 9:23:42
It's probably what you add on top of the bare bones that you need to work on.
For example, when the kids are in their wet bathing suits on the sofa, do you remember all the times your wife is too lenient on them, piling grievance upon grievance in your mind? Do you think something like "She *always* does this." Our family counselor was very big on keeping the present moment in the present moment. Stopping ourselves when we add thoughts to the basic ones. So that if the kids are sitting on the sofa in their bathing suits, you just say something like "Ok, kids. Up and into your everyday clothes. Race you to the sofa when we're all changed."
When your kids don't pick up, do you do the same thing? Remember all the times they don't pick up, add thoughts of how your wife never makes them pick up, and think of dire consequences down the road for learning such irresponsibility at such a young age? My husband has a tendency to do the latter. Think that if my son doesn't pay attention when he's talking to him that he'll end up not paying attention when a lifeguard tells him something and will slip and fall into the pool and drown.
I think in order to reframe, you have to first be aware of what thoughts go through your head when something happens. Next time can you note them? Or do you already have some idea? Do you tend to see each event as confirmation of a continuing grievance? Do you foresee terrible consequences from it?