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**Trigger** I think I figured out what cracked me

Posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 9:50:59

I just wrote this somewhere else, but I thought I would put it here, too.

I think I remembered what totally cracked my ego. What made me fragment.

I discovered that I had (it is possible it is over) an ego state disorder. I had separate versions of me. More than just me and my inner child. I had two others.

Each one was distinct in all respects, as personalities. Sure, they were all me, but each passed time distinct from the others. Each had its own memories. Its own vocabularies. Yet shared in the core traits that make me me.

Triggers.....

My mother was my perpetrator. I was her accessory. My job was to experience her rage at my alcoholic father.

I lived in a binary world. There were two states. Rage, or not. Life was okay, or not. I didn't have any flavours of other emotions. I had to learn those all, later on.

I tried to figure out the Rules. I tried to figure out how I could avoid that rage. But it wasn't about me. It never was. It didn't matter what the Rules were, because there weren't any. That's what cracked me.

I cannot tell you how many times I heard this phrase, "What are you crying for? I'll give you something to cry for!"

I don't think I have to explain what happened then.

I was supposed to endure that, while stopping crying. She'd hit me until I stopped crying. That's what would end it.

One time, she hit me really hard, right out of the blue. And I was shocked, but didn't cry. So she hit me again. I didn't cry. So she wailed me. I still didn't cry. And she said, "Why aren't you crying?" As if, this time, the Rules weren't the Rules. And I snapped.

I'm remembering all kinds of things now. And it's okay. Humpty Dumpty didn't have the right kind of help. That's why they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty together again.

Lar

 

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poster:Larry Hoover thread:648797
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060526/msgs/648797.html