Posted by wishingstar on May 23, 2006, at 10:04:45
My T is going on vacation! Is she kidding me? What timing.
I know I posted about what happened about 2 weeks ago earlier... she didnt call back when she said she would when I was having a very hard time. I felt completely abandoned and completely lost my trust in her. Then my session the next week went really really well and I left feeling pretty good about things and very cared about and "held" by her. I was able to be emotional in a way that I never have really done in therapy before, so it was a huge step for me. Verbalizing feelings is probably the biggest issue for me in therapy.
Yesterday was my next session since then. I went in and one of the first things she tells me is that shes going on vacation and wont be there next week. In the past, she knows I've had a hard time with her leaving, so thats why she said she told me at the beginning of the session. I had been excited to tell her how good I was feeling and several things I was proud of myself for, but I mostly didnt. I built my wall right back up as soon as she said that, and 3 times stronger than it was before.
I'm feeling quite depressed right now (and I had been feeling so good..) but also sort of numb. I cant get in touch with any of the feelings, even about this. It's just such horrible timing.. and I told her that. It seems like every time I open myself up here lately, it's being punished. First I ask for her help and call, and she doesnt call back. Now I open myself way up in session, and then she tells me she wont be there next time. I told her that if I'd known that last week, I wouldnt have opened up like I did. It's way too hard. Why would I trust her when this keeps happening? I'm in therapy because I'm not happy with the way I currently function and relate to people.. but I'm not sure that I'm unhappy ENOUGH with it to make all this worth it.
She offered me a session on Friday to make the 2-week gap not so long. I told her I had to think about it and I'm supposed to let he know tomorrow. She doesnt normally work on most Fridays, so I appreciate her offering.. but I dont know. The walls are back up with extra-strength reinforcements and I'm just not sure I want to talk anymore. Plus, I also know that she probably doesnt really WANT to come into work Friday.. and I dont want to make her just for me. Especially because I'm not in any crisis right now. What if I go in and have nothing to say and it's one of those useless sessions we all have sometimes? I know, she's willing to do it since she offered.. but I dont know.
I guess I'm just mad. I know shes allowed to go on vacation, but I just want to scream... doesnt she know how bad of timing this is for me? Everyone I've ever trusted has just run off when I really needed them, and I know that shes not leaving me, but it sure feels that way. I hate this.
Not sure what I'm looking for by posting this. Just needed to tell someone who would understand, I guess. I tried to a friend last night but he just didnt understand and I felt even more unheard after the talk. Thanks guys.
poster:wishingstar
thread:647261
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060517/msgs/647261.html