Posted by DisposableDoll on May 10, 2006, at 6:09:21
This is divided into two sections (and many paragraphs....please forgive mispellings and grammatical errors)
Vacation Section: Hey everyone. Sorry for being unresponsive for the past week or so. I was on vacation, which I was nervous about, but it went better than expected. I actually had fun, though I did get depressed and stressed at times and there was some fighting as I had predicted. Before we left the airport my sister and bro-in-law did start to argue slightly and during the vacation there was some fighting between the kids, the kids and parents, sis and bro-in-law, me and my sis, me and the kids, and me and my mom, but nothing too frequent or severe. Also, it turned out that while I normally get really nervous on amusment park rides (hadn't ridden a roller coaster until a few years ago, was pretty nervous getting on, and didn't really enjoy the ride much. Rode two.), I was unusually calm (for me) about them and on them this time and I actually rode most of the rides. I refused to get on one. Rode more than I ever have before at one time and prob. more than I ever have if you combined all of the rides I've been on in my entire life. I think I enjoyed them for the first time ever. I never expected such a thing in my life! However, I was dissapointed that we didn't spend a single day on the beach. :( Anyways, that is why I haven't been here for awhile. I will respond to the prior comments soon, but right now I want to ask a question regarding psychosis.
The Psychosis Section- Okay, *sighs* let's see how to begin this. First of all I do believe in ghosts and e.s.p and other such things, and no, I do not think that makes me mentally ill or psychotic and I think it narrow minded to think all people who believe in the paranormal are off their rockers. Anyways, thing is that while I do believe in such things, and I do believe I have had some genuine experiences, I sometimes wondered during my life if part of what I was seeing and hearing was my imagination instead, or even signs of a mental illness.
When I entered therapy I was asked if I saw or heard anything that others could not see or hear. I said, not anymore. I was asked at what point in my life had I seen/heard these things. Now, at that time, I had had some unusual experiences, E.S.P., clairvoyance, faith healing, etc. experiences since childhood, but I felt them genuine since I had things to back them up. As far as ghosts go, some situations were backed up by many others experiencing similar situations in the same local without prior knowledge of the events, people seeing and hearing the same thing at the same time, etc., but I had had some experiences personally in my childhood that were VERY odd to me and I wasn't sure if these particular experiences were supernatural, imagination, or psychosis. As a child I had a very active imagination and could almost relocate myself in a day dream. It was as if I were having a dream while motionless and awake or maybe it is more accurate to say I got lost in the movie. Also, there was a time or two when I closed my eyes and watched a movie play on the dark background of my eyelids that I didn't realize was my own imagination. I was sad to see it go. So, perhaps the events I am about to explain were simply my imagination.
Anyways, as a young child, perhaps about 5, I recall an incident when my mother began to hear someone knocking all around our house. This wasn't completely knew. Sometimes people in our house would hear knocking and there wouldn't be anyone at the door or in the yard as far as we could see. This time the knocking was moving around the house, however. The other members of the family were gone or asleep. I can't recall if I heard the knocking or not, but I know several members of the family heard it in the house and while I might have at some point myself, I can't recall if I heard it that night or not, though my mom did. She tried to see if she could spot the people through windows and doorways, but to no avail. She was afraid to go out to look because she wasn't sure if the people were dangerous. She got her gun, opened the door, and yelled, threatening the people and telling them they needed to leave, and that she was armed. I remember getting nervous. I remember hearing voices. I know we've all heard the term "the voices in my head," but that's just the thing- they aren't IN our heads, at least I wouldn't describe them that way. They sounded as though they were outside of me, in the air above me, and sort of angled, like they were in front of me, either directly or to the side, and above me. They also seemed to be like regular voices, only at weird angles and without bodies. I can't recall hearing these disembodied voices before or since, but I think that I may have very well heard them before, because when I heard them this time, I remember thinking something along the lines of, "Oh, no- They're back," or "Oh, no- Not this again." They called me by name and asked me how I was doing. I felt they were evil and they frightened me, so I didn't speak. They began to ask me to talk to them. I can't recall how many there were, but there were at least two, because if I recall correctly, there was a male and a female- both adults I think.
I tried to fake anger to mask my fear and I did one of those whisper shouts to tell them to go away and leave me alone. My mother was in the room at the time still yelling at the unseen knockers to go away or else. I remember hoping she didn't notice me whisper shouting at the unseen people. I don't recall hearing them again. However, there was another time before I turned 6, when I saw a spider and it began to speak to me. It seems as though the spider was cartoon like or unusual in appearance, but I don't remember great detail. It seems it was either bright green or purple. Something weird. I think it was bright green. It spoke to me and I recall it telling me that it was my friend. I think it knew my name. Again, I felt it was evil AND it seemed familiar, but not as much so as the voices, which I seemed to feel CERTAIN I had heard before. I tried to wake my grandpa telling him to kill it, but he thought I was just being an imaginative child and since he was so tired, he went back to sleep. I finally killed it myself, but I felt sick having done it. Sick and I think, guilty, which is something I had trouble feeling as a child at times. I do not think there was anything in the spot where I had allegedly killed this spider, as I think it was either both a visual and auditory hallucation, or I suppose it possible it was an unusual spirit manifestation directed towards a child. However, while I believe the house was somewhat haunted, I kind of think that was either my imagination or illness.
I also saw my cousin once, walking down my hall....only it was her doppleganger. My cousin was alive elsewhere in the house at the time and I saw her clear form walking down the hallway beside me, she turned and smiled a sinister smile at me, which gave me chills. Then turning the other way, she walked through a wall. When I turned the corner, she was not in the room the hallway shared with the wall. I think all of this happened between ages 4-6. Almost exactly at 5. Some other stuff happened then, but I won't get into that. The shrinks seemed to contribute the younger stuff to my imagination without even asking me anything about it other than my age.
However, when I mentioned there being one episode when I was a bit older, between 6-12 (older than 6 and younger than 12)- maybe 8- I'm guessing here, when I thought the cat had spoken breifly to me and with rudimentary dialogue, they were a tad concerned. I neglected to tell them of the little people who had lived in the wall when I was between 6-12, maybe about 8-10. Now, I didn't exactly see the wee folk, but I saw their home and I heard them, but just the one time. I got out of there before they got to their doorway to find me. I was temporarily paralyzed with fear during this time, but luckily snapped out of it and managed to run. While I think that house was also haunted, I think perhaps that was once again my imagination or something, and not spirit activity. More happened, again, and as I aged, but that was the most intense auditorially and visually. I got chills talking about it for years and occasionally even now.
Something else I haven't told a shrink is that a few years ago (I'm 23 now. I might as well tell it. If anyone reads all I've written here they'll know it is me, age shown or not), when I was rather stressed out, I began to hear something like whispering in the air around me. The thing is, it wasn't very clear and I couldn't make out any words, but it SOUNDED like whispering. I told myself the silence buzzes and that was all it was....that or some other small minute sounds that I was making into "whispers." This continued for awhile and one day I actually thought I heard someone shout my name. Part of me, however, knew something wasn't right. Still, I checked outside to see if there was anyone there calling for me. No one. The whispering eventually went away. I did have a disease a few years back (not sure how close to the same time), that can mess with you neurologically and mentally, but it never got to me bad in that sense and as I said, the whispering started and stopped, so if it was the illness, why would it quit while I was still sick?
Also, interestingly, after that and in the past year or two, my mother came into the bedroom where I was sleeping and told me she had something interesting to tell me. She started the conversation by asking me if it was normal to hear voices. Okay, if she wanted my attention, she certainly had gotten it! I didn't say no right away. I asked her why she was asking- had she been hearing voices? She told me she had been hearing voices for the past couple hours, but they were more like a bunch of people whispering, and she couldn't discern any words. She said it had quit. She hasn't claimed anything similar since, but I found it very interesting.
I have had some other moments were I felt a bit dissasociated and things of that nature, and other interesting familial tidbits, but it is the whispering that is interesting me the most now. Any thoughts?
poster:DisposableDoll
thread:642046
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060505/msgs/642046.html