Posted by fairywings on May 3, 2006, at 14:07:49
In reply to Re: T cancelled AGAIN!!! » fairywings, posted by Poet on May 3, 2006, at 11:40:21
I never felt so much like I needed help and advice, and it makes me cry to know I could count on all of you to help me and validate me.
Wishing star...I have so much trouble with trust too, and bec. I feel like such a baby now....for throwing a temper tantrum, I know there's NO way I'd be able to admit to him how I feel...even though I also know it's exactly what I should admit! I'm not allowed to be vulnerable! And part of being a baby is knowing I'm just another #, I'll get filed away, and he'll go on...but I'll hurt. I hate the heavy investment in all of this! I know I need to go back...I know I need to be vulnerable..I know I need to let him see this side of me, but I don't think I can show my face in there now. I"ll just put up a wall, like I always do...because I don't want to be vulnerable. I want to stay, I want to go back, but I also want to distance myself and run away!!!!
His asst. did say the cancellation was an emergency, and I know there was a major thing that would have taken him away, and it would be incredibly selfish of me to expect it was something he wouldn't attend to....which is another reason I feel like such an idiot and don't want to face him.
No, I know he would NEVER imagine how this affected me, bec. it's SO out of character for me...this is ver much a part of the "real" me - a side he's never seen. A side no one has ever seen except my husband, and that was just recently.
Poet, thanks for the cyber slap - LOL That really picked me up! ; )
Muffy, thanks for making me feel validated.
CS, the thought of starting over is too much...I don't know how you did it 4 times!!! But I"m glad you found your T.
TG, I wish he knew how hurtful it was to me, even though I know, rationally he wouldn't have cancelled yesterday if it wasn't really an emergency. I know it's so juvenile of me to throw a fit...even though he doesn't know I threw a fit. I just can't go in there and let him know there's this side of me, even though that would be the best thing for me to do! I wish I didn't care, I wish his opinion didn't matter, I wish I didn't feel so invested, I wish I'd never let him "in"!
SleepyG, Thanks....I don't want to go back, I don't want to quit, I hate it all , it hurts too much either way!GG: if you're still reading this.....what would you do with someone like me....I"m so afraid to go back and have my little temper tantrum, or show my face, or admit this is how I really feel. All of this hurt has come out as anger before.....I still don't want to show the vulnerability. I'm so afraid I'll just feel worse if I let down my guard!!! And MOSTLY I"m afraid that he doesn't care about me....I'm just another client. Rationally I know that's the way it is, and that's the way it has to be, but I don't want to feel so insignificant and unimportant. (and I hate it that I can't put it in writing and send it to him bec. now I know his freaking asst. will read it and know what an idiot I am!!!) G**! Where did all of THIS come from!!!!???
Thanks for the cyber hugs!
Thanks so much for making me THINK....and put this in words. Sorry to drone on and on and on....
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:639220
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060422/msgs/639636.html