Posted by inja on April 20, 2006, at 12:18:06
'tis true... i am feeling quite rough around the edges today. i do however, feel fortunate that i can immediately know what is buggin' me, triggerin' me, et al. i was "in the dark" about depression and all that for THE longest time, and i am now starin' down the barrel of 50. (GULP)
see.... a couple of weeks ago i had posted that i have a Registered Sex Offender as a neighbor. i also said that we had put up signs on our lawn as it appeared NO ONE in our small populace even KNEW IT.
then..... 2 days or so ago, a young man "hunted down" (i disagree with that term) 2 sexual predators (sex offenders on the maine registry-oh yeah, i live in maine. sorry) and killed them. he was then cornered in a bus and killed. we have dear friends who was on that same bus, and witnessed it all. in fact our friends' youngest was on the bus with her and he was SO close to the shooting that he was covered in blood. they took him to ER for shock/trauma as well as blood born viruses. needless to say, they will be getting some very intense therapy for some time to come. i am grateful that they are alive.
having said all that, i feel totally like an *ss for writing that i feel rough around the edges. these folks have gone thru so much since the shooting.
but i still gotta get it out there, so my T says. i am rough around those edges as i am triggered all over the place. i cringe, and shrink back when my husband hugs me. oh, he does understand but i know it hurts him. he doesn't push anything with me. not ANYTHING. i don't want to be touched in any manner by anyone or anything.
the really sick thing is that i can't even take a shower because i don't want to be touched, even by me. how nutz is THAT??
i've been hittin' the klonopin hard for the last 2 days, i can hardly eat, which is tenuous at best as i am 5'10 at 140 lbs, too thin for my height and frame. but how in the hell do you eat when you are so sick to your stomach all the time? all i do is barf. that too is a past "survival skill" that i still have to fight. be that as it may, i'm not trying to throw up. i am trying to keep it down. even tea and a saltine isn't working.
i've gone on too much. sorry. just had to talk.
ps-i posted this on the Social board, but felt the need to post here too.
poster:inja
thread:635267
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060406/msgs/635267.html