Posted by Daisym on March 30, 2006, at 1:38:54
I'm having such a hard week. My guys came home for spring break and I'm finding all the boy energy overwhelming. It makes me tense and upset. I was lucky enough to be able to take Saturday "off" and go play with Fallsfall and Racer. But Sat night I was tired and they were rowdy and I found myself in a huge black hole by midnight, feeling suicidal. It freaked me out to feel so bad, I knew it had to be more than just the energy.
I brought all this into therapy on Monday and my therapist thought maybe I felt bad because of all the tension between myself and my husband. That felt right but there was more to it than that. We talked about how bad it felt to not be able to pull yourself out enough to be there and connect with your kids. He advocated that I take time for myself, but I'm trying to enjoy them while they are here. Tuesday we worked on this again, and I mentioned that one of my sons and my husband are having a harder time getting along this visit. It is hard for me to be in the middle of this, too much tension and anger. My therapist asked me if I felt like I needed to protect my husband, even if I thought he was wrong. I hadn't thought of that but my answer was, "Isn't that what I always do?" And then I insisted we stop talking about it.
So he waited, and waited and waited. And then he leaned forward and very quietly said, "Are you in trouble for not wanting to defend him anymore?" I burst into tears and said, "No, I'm in trouble for telling on him." And we both knew I wasn't talking about my husband anymore. But then I really lost it. I told him how hard it was to know that any second all hell was going to break loose because you told. And I was so worried that my kids somehow knew about the abuse, that it was written all over me because I told. I also said that I had been waiting and waiting for him to say, "Since you are now able to tell other people, I feel OK about transferring you to..." He kept shaking his head and at one point I put my hands on the sides of my face to try and stop the stream of words flying out of my mouth. He said, "Don't do that...let it out. It needs to come out." We talked a long time about this fear and the group and my fantasy of taking care of him by diluting my need with this other support. He told me over and over again that he could take care of himself, that I didn't need to do that. He is worried about me going to group when he is on vacation but I told him I could take care of myself around that. He wondered if he should talk with the group therapist but again I told him I would take care of that.
I also told him, through the tears, how every part of me felt about telling other people. We went through all the age states. And I told him about the increase in flashbacks that are happening. I didn't expect to have such a volatile outburst. It felt like it came out of nowhere and I just couldn't stop.
He didn't rush me but when I finally quieted down, he asked me how we could make his voice saying "you are not in trouble" more powerful than the one saying, "boy are you gonna get it." I told him that his voice was more powerful but at 2am it was so hard to reach inside myself and find him. This was at 11:45am. At 3:30pm I got a voice mail from him saying, "I just want to reassure you that you are not in trouble. And I'm not going to leave you and I will work with you, "myself" until the very end of all of this stuff. It will be OK." It was so sweet and just the perfect message. So of course, I hit the wrong button and immediately deleted the message. I was so upset that without thinking and no pride, I called him and said that the message was perfect, but that I, like an idiot, deleted it. And could he please call and leave it for me again. Because I NEEDED that message. Well, he did! and he was pretty great about it all today. He said he could understand deleting it, and then wanting it back. I don't think I convinced him deleting it was an accident.
Today he told me that we are doing really good work, that we are getting to what needs to be talked about. And he knows how hard it is for me. I admitted that I was really nervous about coming today because I did not see that melt down coming at all yesterday. I have no idea where all those tears where hiding. And I suspect they aren't all cried yet.
My therapist said he suspected that too, but that was just fine with him. Because, (hadn't he said this a million times?) the best therapy happens spontaneously.
How can I be this glad that I have a therapist who will meet these needs and be this mortified for having them at? I think the psyche is twisted.
poster:Daisym
thread:626434
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626434.html