Posted by wishingstar on March 29, 2006, at 16:58:34
Well, its been 8 days since my last therapy appointment.. 8 more to go. And I'm falling apart. The first 2 days or so were hard, then I switched over into my "I dont need anyone" mode and didnt care she was gone.. now I just am a wreck.. for no particlar reason.. just bad.
I'm mad at her for leaving.. even though logically I know that she has every right to have a life and it doesnt mean she doesnt care.. but I feel like she has totally abandoned me. Like she doesnt care. <<Warning.. I'm about to talk about other clients.. dont read if youre really sensitive to that>> I've been thinking the last few days about how she has 10 or 15 or however many other clients.. 15? I've never had a problem with other clients before, but if there are 15.. she obviously doesnt care about me as a person. I'm 1 of 15? I dont know, how many clients do therapist usually have? Maybe 15 is way off. How pathetic is it that the only thing holding me together is apparently an hour a week with someone who is probably genuinely interested, but doesnt give a thought to me outside of that hour? I'm jst her client. I'm really struggling between just being totally open and sad when she comes back, or cancelling my next appointment. I just dont want to see her. Even though I'd do anything to see her right now. A little confusing huh? :)
I've felt the depression coming on hard the last few days and I've been feeling sort of unsafe today. I thought about calling one of my Ts colleagues who is on call for her, but theres no way shed say anythnig that would help without even knowing me. I also thought of leaving a message for my T because she said she'd be checking messages this week (although her answering machine message says she wont call back until Mon).. so she might call back.. but if she didnt, I'd feel even worse. Plus, I dont want to interrupt her vacation.
Im a psych grad student and I'm taking a class in counseling techniques right now.. tomorrow morning I have to tape with my group (spend time being both the client and the counselor on tape). I'm having a really, really hard time being the client for this.. because I have to be real (the professor will call me on it otherwise), but theres no way I can say everything thats really going on. These are only 10 minute "sessions" and I think they all already think I'm a little crazy.
Sometimes I think about putting myself in the hospital, but I dont know if I really need it. I dont feel safe totally, but in reality, I know I'll be fine and wont do anything drastic.. because this has happened before. Id really like the safe feeling Id have in the hospital, but I dont think I really need it to keep me safe.. if that makes sense.
Everythnig is just too hard right now. I'm not excited about anything in the future and not enjoying anything now. Every time I speak, my "friends" either cut me off mid sentence or dont really listen to what I say.. I never get invited anywhere with them.. complain complain. I dont think I'd really want to go out anyway, so I shouldnt complain.. but it just hurts to be ignored all the time.
I wanted to get on meds again but I dont have an extra zillion dollars a month for the dr bills. Even though the counseling center at my university does free med management, they wont take me because I dont see a therapist there.. but they rejected me! They said I had to see a therapist in the community. That just doesnt seem fair. I dont have the money.
I hope you all dont mind me rambling so much. Theres no real coherent point here. I just needed to vent I guess.
poster:wishingstar
thread:626234
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060325/msgs/626234.html