Posted by Racer on March 22, 2006, at 10:41:45
In reply to Re: Back to that identity thing again... » fairywings, posted by Dinah on March 21, 2006, at 18:13:31
See, I used to use that with my riding students. The first thing I taught beginners was, "The very first thing you need to know about a horse is: They're Big." They are. And that can be scary, if you're not used to it. But they're not machines, what you do, and your attitude, will communicate with them.
Some horses do take advantage of people's fear of their size. They'll be threatening if you're not doing things their way, which most beginners can't do. So, I would tell a lot of students, at first, "PRETEND you're not afraid when she does that, she's really only doing it to scare you, so if you don't react, she'll stop doing it." (Sadly, it is more a mare thing...) But I think I'm just suggesting acting as if, not trying to pretend to themselves that they're fine. If that makes sense...
I think that it's fine to say, "Fake it 'til you make it," as long as it's not what you're saying as a solution to the larger issue. In the case of horses, "FITYMI" won't cure the larger issue, which is that they're bigger than we are. But it is helpful in learning to accommodate that issue. (Am I making any sense at all? I don't think I'm functioning today, and I'm confusing myself right now.) And, in my case, with my own psychological issues, I do use "FITYMI" on some things.
I've used it on my family, including my mother. I may feel myself going back into my little psychological fetal position, but I do my best to get my shoulders back, and breathe deep, and say aloud whatever my limits are. I don't feel it, but I do say it, and then I get alone to collapse and hyperventilate, and eventually the whole process gets easier and easier.
THERE! That's the thing -- FITYMI isn't about emotional or psychological issues nearly so much as it is about behavior. So, saying, "You're not happy, but you could be if you'd just FITYMI" is absurd. Saying, though, that you can stop apologizing for everything you do by FITYMI is helpful. At the same time you work on the issues that lead to that apology habit, you can also be working on the behavior itself, by PRETENDING to have the right to walk on the sidewalk, or whatever.
OK. I knew there was a thought in there somewhere... I'm so very glad I could find it... Better clean my mind, huh? Maybe get my husband to vacuum in there... Then maybe I could find these things when I needed them. :-D
poster:Racer
thread:622339
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/623334.html