Posted by madeline on March 19, 2006, at 7:40:37
In reply to Re: So here it is. Longish and not absolutley coherent » madeline, posted by annierose on March 18, 2006, at 21:29:10
First, thanks to all that has helped me on Babble, the hugs and support have really felt good. It is nice to know that people understand.
Second, I really don't think you should read this if you are just beginning therapy, or things are going well for you in your current situation. This is just my opinion and my take on the therapeutic process right now.
So I see my T on tuesday morning. This is the talk I plan to have with him. I'm just going to tell him how it is with me from here on out. I still haven't decided whether or not I am going to quit therapy."This hurt. This very acutely hurt. But as we discussed, the key to being in a relationship is how you handle the hurt.
But I don't know if I can handle this. There is no way it can be resolved to my satisfaction I think. We are never even going to be friends. We will only have a working "relationship". Is that good enough? Or will this hurt never end?
If it is never going to end, then I may have to quit. Because I feel like I'm just lining up to get punched in the face over and over again.
How much more will I take? If I can break it off with my parents, I can break it off with you. I even finally broke it off with XXXXX.
If this is going to work, then I think you need to be more honest with me. I think you need to be very clear on what you are doing, saying and why you are doing it. And not lead me to believe, as you have been, that it is from a place in your heart, but rather a place in your mind.
The fact is we both set up this illusion and we both play a part in it.
WEll, maybe it is not totally an illusion. How I feel is very real. And I feel (felt) close to you and loved by you. That is real, but I think the basis for those feeling is all an illusion, created for a therapeutic reason.
Okay, if that is the case is it all bad? I am in therapy for god's sake. So should I just realize that the basis for these feelings is an illusion and proceed anyway?
And just use you a neutral sounding board. I need to get away from viewing you as the object for my feelings and just view you as a medium for me to express them. Just totally shut off from you, pretend you are not even there. Perhaps you could be a robot or something. Despite all the times you emphasized that there is another human being there. I just have to realize that there isn't.
I hope that hurts you on some level as much as it does me. There is no love in therapy, only that which the patient creates."
poster:madeline
thread:620748
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060312/msgs/621950.html