Posted by antigua on February 28, 2006, at 8:52:46
I've been reading the past week and there have been so many posts I've wanted to respond to, but.. well, you all know how that is so if this sounds disjointed and all over the place, please forgive me.
About Babble. I find it hard, too, to read the pain in other's posts and I know that I'm triggered a lot by what others have gone through. But my admiration for how hard everyone is working is boundless. I learn something every time--it's not always easy, and it hurts, but I hope we are helping each other. You guys make me see things in a different light, which at times opens up whole new areas to explore.
I've been kind of floundering since I told my mother about the csa. Our relationship is so much better. I can't say I'm truly honest w/her always (old habits are hard to break), but the benefit of being able to call her w/questions about things that come up in therapy has been very helpful. I'm finding, of course, that we may see events differently, but she hasn't backed down yet, or become defensive.
Maybe part of it is that I see my therapy ending and I have a whole raft of feelings about that. It may not be for a year or two, but we are on the downside. But it's hard, because I've learned that I have to learn to deal with these things myself now. She has given me tremendous tools which I'm forever grateful for. She has taken to giving me huge hugs at the end of every session and telling me how much she loves me and is proud of me. I'm getting that from my mother now too (which is where this really should come from) but it still is encouraging. I'm not afraid of the therapy ending; I know we will maintain some type of relationship that will work for me. Her boundaries aren't as tight as some other Ts.
I still don't remember everything that happened to me and maybe I never will. That's hard because I use that as a denial that this never happened. I don't hate my father, but I don't love him unconditionally anymore. I was always afraid that if I let go and accepted that he was evil in many ways that I would have so much rage and anger that I wouldn't be able to handle it, T or not. But what I've discovered is that it is the love I was afraid of. IF I told my mother than she wouldn't love me anymore, and that would have been worse than any rage I could ever experience. As you can see, I still have work to do.
Right now my job is to figure out how to handle the rejection I feel from certain men that I've been attracted to (all like my father). I know that they are unavailable types (and I don't really want THEM; it's what they represent), but the way they ignore and/or reject me after I open myself up (which they encourage) just hurts so bad. I know the answer is not to do this w/men I don't know very well, and I will not do this again, but there is a pattern out there I need to fix. These two men make me feel so ashamed of myself, as if I'm dirty and disgusting for sharing (I've never told them about the abuse, this is just regular life stuff). I know this doesn't make much sense, but I have to fix this, which means coming to an understanding of how this is a repeat of my father. Maybe it's the "why me?" question that I've never asked before. I always figured it was just the luck of the draw that my father did this to me. It didn't make me special in any way; it's just part of my life. But that is also denying that this was done.
Oh, this is so confusing, I'm just babbling.
Hope everyone has a decent day--I'm going to try to!
best,
antigu
poster:antigua
thread:614208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060225/msgs/614208.html