Posted by fairywings on February 1, 2006, at 20:35:10
I saw my pdoc today, and I was fine until he asked me how I was feeling and how I was sleeping. I got overwhelmingly anxious and embarrassed, and blushed so badly I felt like my face was on fire. He asked me if I always blushed like that, and I told him when I was stressed or anxious. He said it's whenever we talk about how I feel. He was really nice about it, and tried to make me feel better, but I didn't stop feeling incredibly anxious till I took some xanax, and then for 1 1/2 hours I still felt anxious about it.
Before I calmed down, I had an overwhelming feeling that there's just no way I can undo all the years of crap I've put myself through - all the negative self talk and all the verbal beatings. I didn't even realize I was doing most of it until now. And how did I get so anxious? I never felt this anxious before. And I'm not sleeping - I haven't slept in 3 nights. I just want out of this!
The other day my T and I were talking about the negative self talk, and why I have it, and what's it's going to take to undo it. So, what's the first thing I did when I left the building? I told myself, "You're so stupid!" Now it's like a constant battle in my head.
I feel incredibly anxious just thinking about my appt. today. I don't understand, there was no threat, he's always really nice. I really like him. I wouldn't want any other pdoc. I know he wants to help me. Just writing this makes me so anxious my heart rate is up, my hands are freezing, and my skin is all prickly. I don't know how I got to this point, and I know I just can't live like this. I'm terrified.
My pdoc is gone on vacation now, and my T is gone for a week, so I'm all alone with this, and I can't stand it.
fw
poster:fairywings
thread:605310
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060131/msgs/605310.html