Posted by Tamar on January 26, 2006, at 18:03:40
In reply to Re: Personality Disorder, Personal » Susan47, posted by James K on January 25, 2006, at 22:20:00
> Also, you were seeing a therapist. That means something was wrong by definition almost. How can you be guilty because in the course of trying to fix your mental illness your mental illness manifested itself?
I totally agree with you.
> Don't read your old posts. They were full of the anguish you were experiencing right then. You can remember without re-experiencing. The best way to thank or apologize to people for being sick is to do your best to remain well. Surgeons don't require apologies from cancer patients.
Exactly.
Susan, I really think James is making a lot of sense.
Also, of course you've never been stupid! You may have done some things that weren't in your best judgement, but you're clearly an intelligent and articulate woman.
Also... I don't think it was all in your mind. I do sometimes wonder if your *interpretation* of your T's look was more of a problem than the look itself. But that's probably about your past experience; it's certainly not a sign of insanity.
I'd guess (wildly and with no evidence for my ideas) that the look you experienced from your T was somehow connected in your mind with the experiences of rape you've described in your previous posts. I know that when I was in therapy I had rape fantasies about my therapist (which came out of nowhere and shocked me immensely).
My understanding of him as a man was always filtered through my experience of having been raped. Sometimes I was afraid of him; sometimes I wanted him. But mostly the transference was related to my experience with the guys who raped me.
It was all very weird and counter-intuitive. You'd think my transference would have been negative rather than erotic in the circumstances. And I wonder whether your transference for your ex-T might have been more negative....
Anyway, I didn't want to make this all about me. I just wondered if you maybe need to think about what your ex-T represents to you, rather than thinking about him as a person, because as a person he's no help to you (just like the men who raped you were no help to you as people).
I hope it's OK to have written all this stuff, and I hope I haven't offended you or anything like that. I'm always willing to apologise if I've said the wrong thing...
Take care,
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:602542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603121.html