Posted by Racer on December 17, 2005, at 22:58:15
I am of two minds about this, and I've spoken a bit with Auntie about it. (Note to Poet and AuntieMel: no, I don't think that feels right. I am still too prickly to think Auntie or Mom type things about her. Heck, Ladies -- I can barely think them about my aunts or mother!)
Anyway, my therapist-who-still-needs-a-name pointed out to me that I'm very judgemental about myself. And I am. That's why I'm in therapy... I know that I'm feeling the same sorts of things that I've felt in other situations that were bad, and I know that I've just gone through a week in which I've cried myself sick most days and was too ashamed and frightened to call him for any assistance, so I know that this isn't a relationship that works for me. I feel as though that judgemental stuff is coming from him, and only being reflected inside me, if that makes sense? I mean that I know I'm judging myself, and I know that I feel as though I should be stronger/better/smarter/able to leap tall buildings/etc, but I also feel as though I've disappointed him, that he disapproves of me, that he thinks I should have responded to the last medication he prescribed, etc. It really feels as though at least part is coming off him, rather than originating in me. Is that possible?
For one thing, it's been over a year, and I'm still not nearly stabilized enough to try to work, and I just have this sense of pursed lips from him whenever the subject of me working comes up. What's more, I've been a bit pushy about stopping or reducing certain meds -- I know why, I know I've tried to tell him why, and I know that I couldn't continue taking them. And it's MY BODY we're talking about, my quality of life that the drugs were compromising. But he wanted me to stay on them, increase them, etc. And I got the distinct impression that he wasn't happy about that, the feeling he gave off was that I wasn't cooperating.
I did tell him, way back when I started having this trouble, that I was becoming afraid of him. I tried to find a way of 'fixing' the problem, by discussing it, etc. (Yes, after discussing it with my T.) Nope, he just said that he wasn't scary.
A while back, I changed therapists, twice in a short time. The first time because I was seeing an intern and realized that I wasn't getting anything at all out of it -- I was bringing in 'insights' rather than finding anything with her. But the second therapist, whom he recommended, was not the right one for me. She was entirely CBT oriented, and she didn't hear me when I told her I was having trouble with it. The end came when I realized that my anorexic behaviors were a lot worse since starting to see her, because every time I tried to express any emotion, she'd stop me, and teach me how to reframe it cognitively to make the strong emotion go away. Well, golly gee, that's awfully close to what the anorexia does for me, and I told her that. And I told her that it was a real problem for me, that I needed to learn to HAVE emotions rather than making them go away, etc. I even told her that her 'restructuring' was very similar to my anorexic behaviors -- and she told me that in that case I was "doing it wrong." OK. But the fact remained, I was getting worse, not better, suppressing my emotions again, and restricing my eating again.
So I found a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, the only one locally I could find who would take on an adult with anorexia who did not purge, and I switched. I did tell the CBT T why, and thought that it was the right thing to do. I know -- oh, dear me how I KNOW -- that I'm not taking the easy way out by seeing this therapist. I know that she's not soft and fuzzy and letting me curl up in the corner and suck my thumb. She's strong, and she does make me squirm, and I know that I'm working hard with her. But ever since changing Ts, I've had a really bad feeling when I see my pdoc. I told him why I switched, and thought that he maybe was doing that mental "she's avoiding work" thing when I told him, and that feeling has just gotten stronger since then.
But that same judgemental attitude of "she's trying to avoid doing anything hard, she wants someone to do it for her" is still there INSIDE ME. I know that this part is inside me, and that it's because I feel as though I'm running away, unable to defend myself, unable to feel as though I walked out with my head high. (No, don't ask -- I've thought about going one more time to tell him face to face, and it's a non-starter. Even if I thought I could handle it emotionally, it's nearly $200 we're talking about -- I can find better things to do with that.)
Anyway, sorry for the public journaling, which I guess is what this turned into. Thanks for reading.
I am firing him, but I think it's just going to be a telephone call canceling my next appointment, and a note asking that he release my records to the new pdoc. She's a woman, and I have an appointment at the beginning of next month.
poster:Racer
thread:589930
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/589930.html