Posted by tarabara on December 16, 2005, at 7:28:14
In reply to Re: Forced distance - *Trigger?* » LauraBeane, posted by LauraBeane on December 16, 2005, at 6:34:08
don't worry. i took it in a nice way.
well, it seems like we have similar boundry issues. it is soooo hard. i know. EVERY week i go through it and i beat up on my therapist. i think it meant a lot to my therapist for me to at least during a moment of clarity recognize that and tell him that i recognize that and tell him that i'm genuinely sorry about it. he then told me that it is ok and that he is equipped to handle it. every once and awhile we have these moments of connection and then i continue to be crazy and he continues to try to steer me in a direction. he doesn't seem to be as deliberate in his moods as your therapist but i think because of the intensity of the situation, it happens. my therpist is not quite sure that he is completely on board with the bipolar II diagnosis either. it's hard to explain what takes over your brain. in a way, i feel like my pdoc understood these severe mood swings without me having to explain and i feel like my therapist does not and he in a way wants to "see" the mania and that's what i often hide, don't talk about, self medicate or maybe i don't have it which then makes me just think i'm crazy. i'm meeting with him today and it's the first day in about 2 1/2 months that i'm going to try to go to session without smoking a bunch of pot first. this is a big deal because maybe he'll truly see how volatile i am. he knows i came to 1 session stoned because he once told me that i seemed relatively calm. i told him it was because i was stoned. he wasn't thrilled but said he understood. what he doesn't understand is i started this behavior about 2 weeks before that instance and then had been doing it ever since. he asked me the next time i went in and i said no, even though i was and he never asked me again. he used to go to dead shows. i thought he would be able to tell but i guess i pull it off well. so, today, i get to tell him that i've been stoned for the past 2-3 months in therapy. i can't wait. ugh..... i actually wrote him an email yesterday and told him that i was going to really try to come to session sober which begs him to ask me a question. i told him that he needs to confront me on this. he said he would. oh boy. i can't wait. i'll need some xanax on hand because i dont think i can light up in his office on campus.
are you in academia?
poster:tarabara
thread:587240
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051216/msgs/589536.html