Posted by daisym on December 9, 2005, at 0:48:08
In reply to Re: Horrible session » daisym, posted by Dinah on December 8, 2005, at 17:30:02
I'll reply more fully in the morning. This was the day from hell at work and it wouldn't have happened if I'd been more together. So I got to therapy this afternoon in worse shape than I left yesterday.
I called his message machine in the middle of the night and said that we needed to figure out a way to help me hang on to him in a concrete way. That being this alone was simply intolerable.
When I walked in today, his talisman was sitting on the couch. I picked it up and said, "OK, now I can leave." And then I burst into tears and apologized for calling, for being a brat yesterday (he said I wasn't) and for needing so much from him. He asked me who left that message - and I said Little Daisy was way out last night. He nodded his head and said he thought so. He said it was really OK to call him and he would have called back but I said not to.
I said I was afraid to ask for his talisman directly -- even thought it was exactly what I wanted. I was afraid he might say no, you shouldn't need it anymore -- and more afraid that someone else might have it right now. He smiled and very gently told me that he didn't give it to anyone else, that he and I had thought of it together so it was mine to use whenever I needed it. I asked about 10 times if it was really OK that I wanted to hang on to it so much. It sounds a little crazy but it is just the perfect size to hold in your palm and rub your thumb on the worn leather. And it has a stone in it. He told me it was for protection and it was really OK to want and need that right now. We agreed that for the next little while when I felt really young I would hang on to the talisman and hold him in my thoughts. And when the adult took over and got upset about being needy, I would put it away and try to write down why I felt it was wrong. And if those things didn't work, I would call and touch base.
There was a lot more about healing and therapy spirals. But I have to go to bed. I just wanted to say that reading all your notes and advice really helped today. I feel blessed to have such support.
poster:daisym
thread:586792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/587147.html