Posted by fallsfall on October 22, 2005, at 18:14:05
In reply to Notes, posted by fallsfall on October 22, 2005, at 8:46:01
Friday's session was very disjointed. I hadn't figured out what I was feeling, so my thoughts were not in any kind of order. I knew that my feelings were intense, though.
It was hard to say that I was angry that he had counter-transference. I believe that it is a normal part of therapy, something to be managed. But I have some pretty intense anger over this (this is a clue that there is tranference going on on my part).
I brought Annierose's thread in to give him an example of what kinds of things are said on Babble, and how her post helped me gain insight into my own issues.
He was adamant that he wasn't telling me that I couldn't talk to you guys. And I know that he never has said that I can't. But I pointed out that he says "I don't think that it is helpful for you to talk to them about your therapy". How is this different from "Don't talk to them?". He can't mandate what I do or don't do - all he can do is influence me - so isn't "I don't think it is helpful..." influence?
So at this point he is saying "You CAN talk about your therapy on Babble, but it isn't helpful if other posters comment on the therapy". Well, what is the use of talking about if there can be no comments? And how am I supposed to make sure that you guys play by his rules? Isn't THAT the same as "Don't Post", as well?
He is trying to let me make the decision. I know that he is, but he obviously has a very strong opinion on the subject. And I feel like the only way to make progress on this is for him to figure out what Babble is and what we do and don't do here. But I can't TELL him to read Babble. I have told him that I would be happy if he did. Annierose's thread had URLs on it, so he could find Babble if he wanted to (Are you reading this???). I feel like he has preconceived ideas of what this place is, and that his judgements are based on that. But maybe I haven't given him a balanced picture of Babble. I KNOW that I, personally, wind up in the kinds of discussions that he doesn't like - and this is the issue I'm trying to work on. But we don't seem to be able to talk about what kind of "support" IS appropriate.
I tried to explain that if I can't talk to you guys that the time between Monday and Thursday is very long (as is Friday to Monday). He wanted me to leave the emotions raw between sessions. But I couldn't possibly function if I did that. I would be happy to not dilute things, but I have to be able to live between appointments. I do leave things raw between Thursday and Friday (and consequently my work really suffers on Thursday afternoons). But I can't do it with 2 full days between appointments.
I also think that I can't remember things unless I put them into words. This is why writing or talking is important to me. Just sitting by myself doesn't help me to understand what I'm feeling I have to talk about it. I suppose that one solution would be journalling, but for me, journalling has an audience. I have a hard time journalling for just myself. And he won't read my journalling (he wants me to tell him about it).
I was a bit agitated during the session, and I was glad that the therapist next door wasn't in her office. When it was time to stop I got up and almost ran out of his office. Because he was leaving me in a place with no good solutions. He said "You can talk about your therapy on Babble (but it isn't helpful for you to get suggestions or interpretations from anyone else)" What good is that? I hear a very mixed message from him. Almost like "I know that the right thing for me to say is that you can talk to whomever you want about your therapy, but I don't really believe that, so I'll tell you in such a way that you won't be able to say that I'm forbidding you from doing it, but at the same time you won't dare - so I get my way."
poster:fallsfall
thread:570043
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051018/msgs/570576.html