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Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please Ľ happyflower

Posted by Tamar on October 21, 2005, at 19:23:26

In reply to Re: Confused, need some advice, please help please Ľ Tamar, posted by happyflower on October 21, 2005, at 18:44:36

Hi Happyflower!

> It is kinda of funny that your post is longer than my record breaking one! LOL

YeahÖ sorry about that. I need to learn to be more concise!

> I think you are right about this, I think he kinda sees me as one his accomplishements too and I think since music is so important to him, having a person who used to think music was my life, start playing again because I feel good, because of his help, has to be an ego booster for him. Most clients you don't get to see proof of the success of therapy. Here he can see it publicly for himself.

Yes, and itís always gratifying to see the results of your work!

> One thing that is interesting is that the "special conversation" took place months before he started to loosen his boundries. So he really didn't tighten any boundries, he has loosened them in the last couple months of sessions. Plus the disclosure are really getting more personal too.

I see what you mean. So perhaps it feels as if he is getting more intimate with you?

> What do you mean by likely responses? I am not following what you mean. The 25 minutes of chatting come after my session of 50 minutes, which is right before his lunch hour. But he seems to like to keep scheduling for the hour before his lunch, which you know I don't mind one bit.

By Ďlikely responsesí I mean that he should know that a person with abuse issues is likely to feel a strong attachment to her therapist; in other words, that you are likely to feel he is very special. I think people with issues that are less personal can sometimes get through therapy without such strong feelings, but it seems to me that anyone with abuse issues is likely to experience very strong feelings about safety and trust, and therapists should probably be aware of that. But I donít know whether the theory that therapists read is explicit about thatÖ

> In the beginning, and before we saw each other at the gym, he was very clear about the feduciairy relationship between us and that I am not very special to him (like his wife, or daughter, or family). We had this conversation the session after I quit because he said he was good liar. Then I felt bad, and sent him that card. We never talked about the card, but maybe that is what sparked off the I am not very special to him conversation. We haven't had any of the I am not special to him talks for several months. In fact it almost seems like he can't deny those feeling anymore.

Well, it seems thereís not much point in having that kind of conversation. If you feel he is very special, then thatís simply how you feel and he has to deal with it. And if he feels you are very special, then thatís simply how he feels and he should take it to consultation with a colleague!

> You are probably right, about this. He has been a T for a long time and trains other T's too, so unless he is truely in love with me and what to wait the 2 year period, things won't progress past this.

The difficult thing is that itís almost impossible to know whether a love affair would survive past the two year period. If you were to do it properly, you shouldnít really have any contact after the end of therapy for two years. But 99 times out of 100 you wonít have the same feelings for him after two years of no contact. The transference that any woman would feel for any man she falls in love with usually wonít survive two years of no contact. Iíve always said I fell in love with my husband the day I met him, but I know it was largely transference and if Iíd had to wait two years I probably would have found someone else (maybe Iím fickle). And if you spend two years waiting for your T and longing for him, itís probably more obsession than love.

> Thanks! LOL I am an honest person, maybe too honest, but you don't think gay guys would like me? LOL just kidding, giving you a hard time! :) You know sometime I catch him just looking at me with those bedroom eyes if you know what I mean. Once I looked at him and said" What" , like what are you looking at!

Yeah, I reckon gay guys would like you too! Just donít count on changing them (LOL!). What did your T say when you caught him looking at you?

> You are right about this, I wouldn't expect him to ever make a move on me while I am married or while I am currently a client of his. I am not sure about after therapy though.

Iíve always thought that if itís meant to be it will work out, and things work out best if you donít try too hard. At the moment there are a lot of things stacked against a relationship. Heís married, youíre married, heís your therapistÖ it couldnít be much harder if he were an alien from another planet. Even after therapy there are a lot of ethical issues. I do think itís possible, but itís by no means easy to establish a friendship (let alone a relationship) after therapy. There are some pretty stiff guidelines. I guess I would say itís probably something you need to talk about in therapy, even though that might feel like youíre making it impossible. One thing I do know is that itís horrible to find after termination that you long for something youíre not getting and you never took the opportunity to talk about it.

> Thank you for the letting me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I can't be his true friend or lover, I can at least enjoy what I do share with him. I do have a lot of fun with the fantasies, of course all babblers know that by now. LOL

Fantasies are for enjoying! Sometimes they can also tell you something about yourself and open up areas of your sexuality that you never thought about beforeÖ I had an incredible fantasy about two men while I was in therapy, which was a real eye opener for me because Iíd always though such ideas were very dangerousÖ

> Hey, I think I am average looks too and overweight and married. He even sees me without my hair done and no makeup at the gym! LOL I guess he is seeing the real me!

The real you is probably what he likes the most!

> Yup, a bummer, but I think I don't need him to tell me I think I already know without the words.

Yes. Itís always nice to hear the words. But if you can know without the words, thatís even better. If someone shows it without words, you know they really mean it.

> Just a nosey question, Tamar, but what is your profession? I think you would make such a great T yourself!

Iím a teacher! I donít think Iíd be a good T. I donít think I could handle all the negative transference stuff. Clients getting angry with meÖ ouch! I take everything very personally. But thank you for the compliment!

> Thanks again for your support and understanding me more than I do myself. I feel much better tonight because of what you said. I guess I just need to treasure what I do have and not worry about it. If it was meant to be, then it will happen, right? :)

Yeah. Treasure what you have. Every moment. The love that happens in therapy is so beautiful and so profoundÖ itís very special. Itís natural to hope for more, but if you can find comfort in what you have, then youíre already doing very well, I think!

Tamar


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