Posted by B2chica on September 23, 2005, at 10:01:32
sat T yesterday, teary in office, i took my blade with me and left it there. (funny that he didn't even see me put it there) he called me about 5 min after i left and said thanks for leaving it, that he didn't even see me put it there otherwise he would have wanted to talk about it.
anyway, saw pdoc also. both suggested hosp. but i told them, i didn't feel really safe, but on a scale of 1-10 i was at 7, cuz the feelings were all there but the physical energy was not.plus i had a wedding recep of friend sat so i was 'looking ahead'. anyway, both said ok but with comprimises. T gave me paiger number to call so did pdoc, i'm to call him monday and made appt to see him next friday. see t next mon and thurs. so i'll be covered next week.
my pdoc always makes me laugh even if i really don't want to.
i told him a few weeks ago i took myself off zyprexa and he said "ok, now b2 you need to sit Real still so i can throw this at you!" it was a really cool but big paper weight. (hehe)
oh and when i told him one thing that might be upsetting me was that my T had interview and may be leaving a few weeks ago and i had to see a female T and that was really upsetting but told him he's not leaving. my pdoc jokingly said 'as far as i know he's not leaving, apparently no one likes him and he can't get another job so he's staying....i guess you had to be there but i giggled. my pdoc has my exact sarcastic personality, even swears abit (i like that) i think it makes him more human and like the people i'm around.
i know he knows me really well, i don't see him as often as t and sometimes i think he knows me better. he suggested something t never did and it hit me as maybe true. that i took myself off meds to put myself in the position i am now, almost to test limits of T and pdoc thta they would say 'well if you won't listen i just can't help you anymore'. and i told him that i do push the limits of my relationships. also he mentioned that it puts me in the victim seat. (going along with pushing limits).my T told me he often thought about becoming a police officer, i asked why and he said because he has a protective personality. i wish he'd been around to protect me.
anyway, both appts went well. i am feeling little better this morning. but...
last friday i quit smoking, drinking caffine and last night i had a cig and this morning i have coffee.
so i'll let myself do that this weekend till i'm feeling better then try again. my T when i told him said it's hard to cut all your vices at once and i think that is definately contributing so. i'll enjoy my cig or two and a little caffine but only in the morning so not to mess with my sleep schedule.till later.
i can't thank all of you enough for helping me get through this terrible time.
i cried so many times yesterday. hopefully none today.thanks
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:558460
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050920/msgs/558460.html