Posted by annierose on August 26, 2005, at 22:36:19
I went into therapy today determined to continue the attachment/dependence/why is therapy so hard -conversation. I could have entertained her with numerous in-law stories from this week; I stayed on track.
I brought up the dreaded dream - AGAIN - and asked her why she felt I am so vulnerable there since sharing it. Her guess was that in the dream I let her know how much she meant to me, that I loved her (as a mother/therapist figure). And as much as she might think I'm one of the neatest person she has ever met (something like that), that she cannot go down that road with me. As my therapist, she helps me with my emotional life, and wants to help me understand and come to terms with the pain I carry inside of me. She said she wished she could magically make it all go away, and if she could, she would. I felt such compassion in her voice. That she was really working hard to pull me back in. I cried, but quickly recovered. I guess I didn't want to feel too vulnerable too soon.
She went on to explain the steps she felt I needed to go through. After hearing this process, I felt discouraged that I was only at step one. No, she said, I was way beyond the first step. I was there, in therapy, and I've worked hard to get where I was today.
One of the interesting parallels she drew for me was that the theraputic relationship is unequal by design (in the sense that I disclose my feelings). And this paradigm simulates how I must of felt as a child: a little girl loves her parents with all her heart, openly sharing her love by wanting and needing them, learning from them. But my parents are not able to express their feelings for me in that way. So in therapy when she doesn't reassure me, or I don't know what she is thinking, it is unnerving, it's familiar, so I pull back in. Intellectually I know she cares about me, likes me even, but I can't trust it all the time.
I did ask for reassurance today that I was doing the work necessary for a happier life, that I was on track, and she did. She summarized where I had been, and where I am today.
I left feeling reconnected and happy. I hope I can hold on to this feeling next week. It seems so tenuous, one mis-step and I'm back in the abyss searching for a flashlight. It's such a struggle. And it's a slow process.
Family week update: My sister-in-laws and I are having a great time stealing moments to ourselves comparing mother-in-law stories and our husbands (the 3 brothers). My MIL dissed me twice today, and my SIL spoke up for me. The cousins are loving the time together too. Basically, we do get along, if it wasn't for the intrusive comments and actions of our MIL, life would be okay. Only one full day of togetherness left :)
(and I kept my therapy appointment today which was the best thing I did!)
poster:annierose
thread:547099
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050824/msgs/547099.html