Posted by jadah on August 14, 2005, at 16:05:30
Im doing everything i can to stay positive. Ever felt like the world just isnt on your side and no matter what you do youre gonna lose? My cancer is spreading again, only 3months after a major surgery to remove most of it (when surgery was over I had an 8 inch surgical incision, 18 staples on the outside and over 30 stitches on the inside) Recovery was horrible and I had such high hopes. On top of the physical pain, I am being bombarded with hormones which is reaking havoc on my moods (irritability, anxiety...things I havent felt in a long time) My boyfriend told me last night that he thinks we should cool it for awhile. He says he cant handle any of this anymore and he was angry that I didnt tell him this up front when we met. First of all things werent as bad when we first met secondly, you dont just walk up to someone whom youre interested in and sayu " hi, my name is Jadah and I have cancer, do you still want to get to know me?" You just dont spill all of your beans until you get to know someone and see where it is going to go. Am I wrong in thinking this way? I was so hurt and angry. I asked him what would he have done if we were married and I had gotten sick would you have divorced me!? My T has shown no signs of leaving really soon, I think he's too afraid b/c Im fragile right now. If I lost him too, I feel sometimes that this all would be too much to handle. I also have other stressors. Im about to break. I go to the hospital on friday for another scan and discuss, hopefully some better treatment options. Sometimes I ask myself whether treatment is worth the aftermath and maybe I should choose between my physical health and my emotionsl health (on radiation which makes me sick, taking northindrone acytate which is supposed to help with the radiation side effects however the side effects from the pills is just as bad, and the hormones is making me a real bitch!) I dont want to be alone, but I dont want to drag people down. I feel like I am in a lose-lose situation. If only I had some control over what was happening to me. *sigh*
poster:jadah
thread:541600
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/541600.html