Posted by Dinah on July 26, 2005, at 12:23:05
First, I want to apologize for not being here much in the next few weeks. I haven't left for our vacation yet, but I'm under so much pressure to finish things before I leave that I'm effectively gone already. I won't be able to read or respond much on board.
I remembered today another reason I need therapy. It's the only place I can really do that thing I do there. I don't do it at every session, but I've never been able to do it all the way unless I'm there.
I think I've mentioned that I suspect I self hypnotize to be able to reliably reach my emotional core in therapy. But there are different levels of that. Some times I stay fairly superficial, and only talk about those things that I've thought about before.
But sometimes I slide deeper and deeper into my emotional core until my breathing has slowed almost to nothing, and I am almost feel like I'm about to sleep. And I become not only turned inward to my deepest most real layer of being, but also exquisitely attuned to the immediate world around me. Like one big emotional receptor focused both inward and outward. And at those times I often surprise myself by saying things I later realize are true, but that I had never thought of before consciously. Things that surprise me, but feel so right.
I don't think I could do that anywhere else, because it is such a vulnerable and almost painful state, even in the safety of the therapy room. It would be sheer torture somewhere less safe.
I barely made it home today before tumbling into bed and sleeping for what felt like hours, but couldn't have been more than twenty minutes. I remember some, but not all, of what happened. Parts are starkly clear, and parts a bit fuzzy. But I know my therapist was there and will remember.
It's a truly remarkable feeling.
Is anyone else familiar with what I'm describing? Can anyone put words to it?
poster:Dinah
thread:533740
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/533740.html