Posted by Daisym on July 25, 2005, at 17:28:39
In reply to Re: I'm glad » daisym, posted by LittleGirlLost on July 25, 2005, at 16:05:26
***Can I ask you a serious question? HOW do I do this? I mean, I do need her, but I feel so much like I have to hide it... or that it's a bad thing. Not that she makes me feel that way at all, but I'm afraid to need her, and/or for her to know it. It's probably my faulty wiring. I understand you saying it's important and I wish I can share these feelings with her, but first of all, how? and secondly, how do I do it without feeling worse? I guess as I try to hide it, I can be in denial to a degree, but if it's all out there... ya know?***
I do know. And I'm not sure that I can tell you it won't feel worse sometimes. I think there is a part of me that says "well, I took the risk and told you I need you. And you said great, it is Ok to do that. But even though you know, you still aren't here 24/7..." There is a risk that verbalizing this need will open an expectation on your part. But I think you are clear enough in your thinking that you already know this. And, given the way you struggle with it, like me, probably getting it out there will diminish the struggle. It is an on again/off again battle for me. I think I believe it is OK for him to know I need him, it just still isn't OK that I do, does that make sense? So having him know about this struggle is better than struggling with this AND with not telling him.
How to tell her? My therapist simply helped me begin to verbalize my feelings for him. I'd say something, and he'd say, "you mean about me?" -- like, "I had a tough weekend and felt so alone." He'd say, "you missed me." And I'd nod my head. Or I would say "I struggle with wanting to be here so much, needing therapy this much." And he'll say, "needing me this much..." and I nod my head. I'm really good at head nodding. But hearing him put words to what I didn't say has helped me understand that he already knows I need him, and that it is Ok to say it out loud. It is still very hard sometimes, especially since my feelings are changing and this is confusing -- What do I 'need' him for?
The best part about being able to tell him was that once when I was very upset I sort of quivered at him, "Do you KNOW how important you are to me?! Do you KNOW what it will do to me if you leave me in the middle of all of this?! You need to be very very careful with the power I've given you and please, please don't hurt me." He said he did know and he would never intentionally hurt me. And if he unintentionally hurt me we would work through it and not give up on 'our' relationship. I think I needed to express this before I told him the next round of deep, darker secrets. Sort of like warning him off, but checking in at the same time.
You'll get there. I've been doing this for a little over 2 years and it is still hard for me. I bet if you opened it with I need help telling you how I feel about you and therapy, she would help you.
poster:Daisym
thread:527315
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050725/msgs/533363.html