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Re: anger » alexandra_k

Posted by Damos on May 14, 2005, at 22:30:07

In reply to anger, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35

Resignation. I sensed from early on that part of you was resigned to the funding not coming through. Part of you was still upbeat and hopefull but at a deeper level it was like "I've been screwed by this P-doc and the system so many times that I pretty much expect it again." Maybe it was partly self protection, I don't know. So maybe you didn't invest as much in the outcome as you might have. Probably a good thing as it turns out.

I fear my anger too. I don't actually think anyone has ever seen actually seen me angry, I mean really angry. Frustrated and upset yes, but angry, no. I'll usually do soemthig physical to release it so that it isn't expressed at or on others. But I still fear what a "really" angry me could be like. And like you I don't understand why sometimes things do't set me off even slightly when I thought they would and hen other times piddly little things get this way out of proportion response.

Until that day I spent crying in the park a few weeks back I hadn't realised how much stuff I was capable of burying or distancing myself from. I think I actually somehow decide internally that this is beyond my ability to cope with or experience right no and lock it away somewhere where it doesn't directly associate with the memory of the thing that caused it. then sometime later something else will trigger it all off as happened with the park episode. That was unexperienced stuff held down for 17 long years. It makes me wonder what else is there and very afraid to find out.

(((((alex)))))

 

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