Posted by pinkeye on May 4, 2005, at 20:00:00
In reply to Re: Is Babble keeping me regressed? » pinkeye, posted by whirlpool on May 4, 2005, at 16:28:51
> You are not being stupid. Those feelings are part of the transference, and it is also natural that you would become attached to someone who meant so much to you.
If it is all just transference, why does it feel so real? Why do I think my ex T didn't like me at all? It hurts too much when I think that, you know?
> Maybe you really need to work more on the issues you had with your father. I don't know much about that but your new T seems to agree with you that the problem might be there.
Actually it is not about my new T agreeing with me, it is more about me agreeing with my new T. I didn't actually think my dad had anything to do with all this. But it is my new T's opinion that the way he brought me up caused me lot of conflicts. I thought actually I was pretty ok with my dad.
And I realized she is probably right about some things about my dad. He was in a way extremely controlling, and he kept me all to himself for a long time. He wouldn't let me talk to even my mother many times. He wouldn't let me make any emotional bonds with other friends. He wanted me all to himself. And I had a very confusing relationship with him. I kind of even served as an emotional companion to him - kind of almost serving like a surrogate wife to him, more than I was a child. He kept looking up to me, to meet all his emotional demands. He wanted to share everything with me, and would take me to movies, restaurants, relatives places, everywhere - just the two of us, ignoring my mom. My mom was pretty much like a dummy in my house. It was fine when I was a child, but when I started growing up to an adult, I think that kind of intense relationship confused me a lot. I got really confused about a father role and a husband role. And he used to terrorize me about the world - he wouldn't let me travel anywhere alone, even to the next street. Only for US he sent me, but even that, it was all about fulfilling his own ambitions, more than it was about what was good for me. To top it all, he would be very physically demonstrative of his affection also - used to carry me, hug me, kiss me, sleep in the same bed with me hugging me tightly, like how we treat a 5 year old - well into till I was even 20. I tried to pull away from that, but he wouldn't let me. He didn't abuse me, and never would, he thought he was bringing up a most loved daughter in the whole world. My dad is a very good person, but I think he was very insecure and was over possesive and jealous of sharing me with others, and subsequently he was behaving in a totally unacceptable way. Several times he even used to tell me that I should never get married - that I should not leave him and go with someone else. That I should always stay with him. And I think all that led me to grow up only halfway. So I would always behave like half woman, half child. I think the child part was my resitance to being forced to serve as an emotional equal for my dad and to meet all his emotional needs.
And he would always shout so much at my mom and me and punish me also. As I was telling in a recent thread, once, for a small mischief I did, he asked me that I needed to die as a punishment.. and he made me get a rope and tie a noose with it, and asked me to say goodbye to my mom saying that I needed to die and actually even made me put the noose around my neck. After that he stopped - saying that he meant that only as a lesson. Things like that.. Now it seems pretty simple, and that many kids go through these things and emerge fine.. but I think I didn't have any other support - I was an only child, and my dad made it very clear that I was not to form emotional bonds with anyone else.. So I really didn't have a way of learning the right things.
And my new T says it is the same confusion that I projected on to my ex T. That part of me kept looking up to him almost like he is my second dad, and part of me kept looking up to him to fulfill my husband's role (I had lot of trouble with my husband also at that time). And I think that is why my transference had been pretty intense.
And my new T says I have a typical pattern of a kid who gets into Freudian complications. Kids who get very attached to their dads/moms and get confused about their attachment into attraction. And she says I projected everything on to my ex T, because he was in a much more acceptable age range and I could safely think of everything with him.
My ex T didn't think it had anything to do with my dad also.. But he kind of knew my dad, so I couldn't be very open to him about all these. Plus I was very embarrassed to admit everything - especially the part about being extremely physically close. I think that kind of really confused me.
> Don't forget that as difficult as things are now, they will get better.
Thanks so much Whirl. Anyway, talking to you in these two days has been bringing me some peace. Don't know why though, but it feels very peaceful. Thanks a lot. You are pretty new to this board, I should really not be unloading my story on to you, but you seem very understanding.. Feel free to ignore if it is all too much for you.What is your story? Care to share it now or someother time? I don't remember reading too much of your posts before.
Hugs,
Pinkeye.
> Hugs,
> whirl.
poster:pinkeye
thread:492841
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/493850.html