Posted by Pfinstegg on April 27, 2005, at 16:06:03
My analysis is getting deeper (read *close to unbearable*), as my younger parts are coming to life more, and clamouring to have their feelings heard and understood. The biggest difficulty that I'm having is that they want different things, and they all seem to be holding so much anger, loneliness and suffering. The youngest parts, still only partly conscious, want to be really, really close to him, but they scarcely dare to feel that or say so, and instead focus intently on the pillow on his couch. It's a new, softer one- more comfortable, sort of enclosing your head a bit- but they missed the old one terribly for a while, and didn't understand why, if he was going to get rid of it, he didn't give it to THEM!
Then there is the girl, about 8 or 9, who doesn't want anyone to come anywhere near her. When she has her say, she is usually terribly angry at the analyst- nothing he says or does pleases her- and, at the same time, she is terrified of driving him away, and of finding out that he hates her (she is already sure that he does).
Then there is ME, looking on aghast at the whole thing. I long for a close and meaningful relationship with my analyst, like what I had in the beginning- one that can take us through all the needs and rages of the younger parts, with the grown me still able to feel connected and supported. I just can't do that right now- I suppose because I'm just not integrated enough as a person, and because the younger parts have such an insecure and disorganized attachment.
The art therapy has turned out to be very helpful and important in all of this. So much of what the younger parts feel is non-verbal, and it is sometimes an enormous strain, in analysis, to try to get their feelings into words- and what few words I can find often don't seem quite right. It is an enormous relief to just let oneself go and draw whatever. Once I see something on paper, I can often talk about it a lot more easily. I know my art therapist will help soothe and contain the feelings that come up as I draw, and that she will also help my analyst know what is happening in ways that I'm not yet very good at doing myself. And sometimes, it is the other way around: a very angry, isolated younger part of me will be very hard on the art therapist, and my analyst will help me understand what is happening, and help me repair the relationship. I have to admit that I am a pretty difficult, acting-out patient just now- and both of the therapists are wonderfully kind and steadfast.
Up until now, I have been using pastels- the kind that you can smear a lot with your hands- very messy and satisfying- and you can keep on changing them as you talk and your feelings may change. But today, we used clay. My art therapist made a lovely duck, (there are ducks in the stream outside my analyst's window, and she wanted, in part, to reinforce the connection to him). I made little images of the imaginary family I made up when I was one and two. Once I'd made them and told her what their names were, I suddenly said, really surprised, "it's nice to SEE them for the first time!" When I went home, I felt so much better..