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exhausted but better. **possible trigger**

Posted by B2chica on April 19, 2005, at 9:25:17

haven't been to around here at babble lately but i've been working hard in therapy. yesterday was so tough. i ended up just 'thowing up' a bunch of memories, a couple that i mentioned to previous T and a couple extra for good measure. I felt disgusting, humiliated, couldn't make eye contact the entire time...thank GOD i have the T i do, he didn't even mention the time and i was able to get SO much out and he went about another hour long without a word. Gosh he's just great.
Last night was hard not to sl#t my wrists but i made it through. thanks to my art, music and sleepy pills!
Somehow today i feel So strong. i feel so much better for having said the things i did. when i got home the first thing i said to myself was well how do you feel now that these are out in the open...i said i felt good cuz my T didn't act disgusted with me, then my mind voice said "he's supposed to act like that, but inside he's hates you, he's disgusted with you. i got mad at that voice.
i'm fighting that. i don't believe it.
it's cuz i'm stronger today. boy anybody try taking me on today i'll knock them on their @$$!

the thing is...it's just the tip of the iceburg, i have so many more sickening memories. i was going to spill more tomorrow but i think to be safe i need to back off and deal with what's on the table for now.
He did use the R word for once incident, SA for the second time and mutiple molestation for the other incidents. I read that 'O'sex isn't considered 'R', but is considered SA. T said that it was basically R but in the books is SA and is still an offensible crime, that today he could have gone to jail for such an act.
That's when i said 'he's dead now'. a few years after the incident he died in car accident -was drunk and rolled car.
So it's true, it feels somehow good. i'm still a little numb and maybe i'll feel worse tonight or tomorrow..but now, now is good...maybe my role in blame isn't as 110% as i thought.

Man you guys are great.
thanks for letting me vent.
B2c.


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poster:B2chica thread:486364
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050409/msgs/486364.html