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Re: I chickened forward instead

Posted by Dinah on March 30, 2005, at 10:29:07

In reply to Re: I chickened forward instead Dinah, posted by bent on March 30, 2005, at 9:20:24

He didn't understand why I was so anxious at first. Even at the end, he asked again. I told him it was because he had such very good boundaries I was afraid I'd be intruding on them.

I could feel him start to say something, then stop. I gave him time, but he didn't say anything more. We just sat in silence pregnant with unspoken words. I suspect he was about to say that I had been mistaken about his boundaries because he already explained he wasn't a gift purist, but stopped - maybe because he then considered the possibility that my perception that his boundaries are "good" makes me feel safe. (He's also previously told me that some of the boundaries between us are because of my formidable boundaries, not his. Like he'd occasionally like to give me a hug, but doesn't because he respects my boundaries.) But I'm just guessing here.

I did tell him that one therapy goal would be to learn to react in such a way that he didn't feel the need to be quite so careful in what he said to me. He asked if I thought he lied to me, and that's not quite it. But he knows I prefer my truth beveled, sanded, varnished, and presented in an attractive package. I'm not sure I want him to feel free to be blunt, because I don't really like blunt. But I'd like to react in a way that he didn't (legitimately from past experience) believe that he needed to be very very careful. Maybe just careful. :)

It wasn't so very brave. No matter what I decided or didn't decide, or didn't do and wished I did, or wished I did but didn't do, the pain would have gone on for at least a week if not more. The very unbrave thing was to just get the d*mn thing over with.

I'm so very glad it went well. And yes, I did detect a bit of beaming below the surface, though I didn't say anything I haven't said many times before.




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