Posted by antigua on March 16, 2005, at 17:04:54
Ok, no snickering from the peanut gallery. Yes, of course I went back to get my valued possession. On the way out there I had an epiphany--I believed that because of the relationship and my strong feelings for my father, I ralized that I thought that only a man could break down the wall. There is a sexual component to this, that's obvious, but it has to do w/the csa too and how my father made me feel and how sinful and shameful that was.
On the way to my appt., I realized that it didn't HAVE to be a man, maybe I could let my T hold me through it.
So it was the most incredible session we ever had. No holding today, I told her I'm not ready for it and I still don't fully believe that;s the solution, but she worked hard on it today. So many connections (from both of us) came tumbling out and we were both amazed. I can't remember it all.
I spent time explaining why I thought leaving was the right thing and she certainly didn't agree with me.
So, when I pull this act again, remind me that it's my maternal transference. But I really block at there being any type of sexual maternal transference. Anyone heard of this?
I did learn a lot about the difference for me having a male vs. female T. It might have been easier for me to have a male, and I might be getting through this sooner, but the maternal aspect has helped me so much as a mother.
So, while there can be despair, THERE IS HOPE. It's so very hard before the breakthroughs. But as you all advise me and I advise others, hold on. Just spill it all there in your own and don't leave anything out; sometimes the littlest things we think are insignificant are huge to them (well, that's true for the psychodynamic model).
Thank you very much everyone. I'm in a much better place today and I value your opinions; you really made me consider other ideas.
best,
antigua
poster:antigua
thread:471809
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050315/msgs/471809.html