Posted by HoldenYosarian on February 21, 2005, at 1:01:35
In reply to Oh God this hurts so much., posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 19:32:27
> Why can't I get it together? What is the matter with me? Why am I all alone doing this, why did I see this doctor and behave this way, why didn't he show me any redemption, why does he hate me so much, why oh why am I so unbelievably hateful of myself, I hate myself so much I just want to die now. I can't believe yesterday was a good day. :( I am so so sad. I hurt so much. Nobody will ever ever love me or care about me, I'm ugly, I'm obnoxious and I've failed at everything I've ever tried to do. I hate me. I hate me. I hate me.
Hi susan, I'm new to babble, but after reading this post, I was struck not only by the obvious and nearly complete desperation and hopeless betrayed by your complete and fundamental rejection of yourself as a valid human being---and at the same time struck by your willingness to just be honest about your feelings, however disjointed they may seem to someone not familiar with your situation. That's why I took the time to go back and read your previous posts.
I know we all go through relatively brief periods of desperation and self-loating, and I'm hoping that the above post represented nothing more than that--a transitory if overwhelming misery that dissipated, or at least lessened, shortly thereafter. I know I've lived in that same state for long periods of time---and I just want you to know that there's somwone out here who feels for you, who can empathize...and someone who can tell you, as well, that however all-encompassing those feelings are now, they don't represent reality. Feelings aren't reality. We have to learn to differentiate between the two, however overpowering those feelings may be, and their isolated justification may seem, at the time.
Reading your post, I clearly got the impression of someone thoughtful, sensitive, caring, intelligent, and most importantly, willing to open up about her feelings, however unappealing to others those feelings might normally seem.
For that's the key to progress, to eventual success. If you can't share what's really going on inside you then you'll never get better---and most likely worse. The fact that you're able to is a sign that you're a) brave b)dedicated to self-improvement and changing the quality of your life and c) encouraging,supportive and caring. Of course, you/I can't appreciate those things during those dark recessed moments in which the world seems to be closing in and we feel as though there's a bull's on our forehead. The mere fact that you feel guilt and hate yourself for your perceived inadequacy is proof of your merit...truly terrible individuals don't feel guilt, or question their motives or actions.
I can sympathize with you regarding your therapist. I've been through countless pdocs only to be dissapointed--disgusted, really, by all but one. And He ended up dissapointing me too. The thing I think it's important to remember is that the therapeutic relationship is one of practical application: two people using eachother. Do you think yout T would be hanging out with you if you weren't paying him/her by the hour. I think not. And by the same token, you would never have met this person had you not come seeking help for specific problems. It's a matter of a mutually agreed upon symbiotic relationship--nothing more. And if it becomes something more, you have an irresponsible pdoc, to say the least. Unfortunately, there seem to be more of those than responsible, competent ones, at least in my experience. There's something about having control of another person (the client/patient), dependency even--that attracts to the profession those hungry for power, and attracted by the lack of professional responsibility (he can always just claim you were crazy before if he screws you up, and who do you think the "board" would believe?)
So I honestly believe that the very manner of practice of therapy as it's developed is most likely to draw the worst kind of people. Of course, there are those who truly care, and are dedicated to serving their patients---but when you find one, let me know.
Keep moving. There are other fish in the sea. You can't let life become based around a stagnant, viciously cycling thought pattern which is based around some other individual over whom you have no control. If it helps, send him a nasty card. Then start shopping for another Therapist--and remember caveat emptor