Posted by mair on February 17, 2005, at 17:04:05
I had a difficult session today - one of those where it was a struggle to express myself. I knew yesterday it would be awful, and I probably should have cancelled it.
The crux is that I spent most of yesterday cataloging how far behind I am - mostly at work - everything I've been putting off; everything I should have done that I haven't; everything I don't get done during the day because I'm distracted by other things; everything I'm disorganized about; everything I forget to do etc. The more I thought about these things the more I could see how worthless I can be and how much I can disappoint other people, and how much my lack of work production affects my family in a couple of different ways. I also saw that I couldn't talk to my T about any of them.
Thinking about that made me realize that I really don't like to present myself in a bad light to my T. I'll talk in generalities about negatives, but not specifics. I don't know whether it is that I'm worried about my T's opinion of me, or whether I just don't want to have to spend a lot of time facing up to all the things I do wrong.
My T posited a theory that she's never fully verbalized before. She thinks that I draw on her for a more positive view of myself - that I can't generate that positive sense of self on my own, at least not usually. My father used to tease me pretty mercilessly about the same things over and over - In my 40's he was still teasing me about something that happened when I was 5, and because I was shy and sensitive, his teasing had more the feel of ridicule than of simple fun. She thinks that taught me that letting people know negative things about me posed the risk that I would be held up for ridicule. Because I rely so much on my T to give me a positive view of me, I can't risk losing that by letting her know more about me, so she says.
Maybe she's right about the risk of revelation, although I'm not sure I buy into the theory that I'm dependent on her to give me a positive sense of self; I'm not sure I usually take in the message that she likes me or cares for me or has a favorable opinion of me. But if she's right, it seems pretty pathetic and a pretty insecure foundation for a positive self view.
I have one more session scheduled before I'll miss 2 sessions while she's gone on vacation. I feel a little humiliated for having struggled so much and I can't see anything positive coming out of a session right before she leaves. either I'll keep struggling and feel upset and anxious or to avoid that, she'll use the session to talk about harmless "filler" material. I think those sessions are frustratingly pointless.
I'm incredibly anxious about going back there next week. I told her as I was leaving that I wasn't sure it made sense for us to meet again until she comes back. Unfortunately I didn't have time to explain that to her before I left.
I'm not sure whether I should cancel or not. I've never cancelled a session before for anything other than a schedule conflict. I don't know what it would feel like or how she'd respond.
Does anyone do this? Lying about why I can't come is not an option.
Mair
poster:mair
thread:459478
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050211/msgs/459478.html