Posted by Daisym on January 4, 2005, at 20:02:41
In reply to Re: Absolutely disconnected » Aphrodite, posted by Fallen4MyT on January 4, 2005, at 18:35:14
>>>>For the first time ever, I sat in his room today and felt light years away. We've had a trust rupture gone unrepaired, and I have returned to competent-adult-not-needing-therapy mode. He knows this, and he tried all of his usual methods of reaching my emotional side and the pain, but none of it worked. I had the urge to fake it, but I didn't. I sat silently most of the time, giving one word answers. It was like I didn't even know him. Sometimes when he was speaking so kindly and gently, I didn't hear him -- I was thinking about phone calls I needed to return, etc.
<<<<<I noticed you said "his" room, not "my appointment." I'm struck by this. I think your adult side truly believes you don't need therapy, except maybe as an intellectual exercise. But I think you have to give this side space too, honor the protectiveness that served a purpose and still does in some situations. I'm glad you didn't fake it. It doesn't do either of you any good to pretend. Did you tell him you were dissociating? I tell my therapist now, "I'm going away or the room is spinning" because he will then concentrate on helping me come back or we will try to figure out what the trigger was. In your case, I'm guessing kindness was a prelude to your abuse so this just makes your protective side stronger. Not that I want him to be mean to you! But when you are in this mode, perhaps a different style would work better. My therapist has asked, "Are you reading or researching anything?" and then gets sneaky and asks, "how does that feel to little daisy, to have that information?" Of course, sometimes, like yesterday, I'll call him on it, "no fair, using that tactic" if I want to keep the "kids" quiet.
>>>The complete disconnect from him was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced because so much is wrong right now and the suicidal demons have returned. And to not feel like I even know him leaves me with precious little support.
<<<<I know you don't want to hear this, but being afraid to be disconnected and noticing how awful it feels is a good sign. It means you ARE attached at some level and you are aware that there is a hole when things get stretched. Even if it is intellectual awareness. I heard it described here once as putting on your seatbelt for the drive to the bridge that you intend to jump off. Some part of you is keeping you safe. The part that knows you need him.
>>>>It's a busy time for me, so I told him I wouldn't be back for a week and a half. He tried to explain how I would only ice over further, but I can't neglect my responsibilities in the "real world" either.
<<<<Again, you might need to honor your need for a break. You can journal and write here. If you can't go because you don't have the time, or have to be away completely, this works well. If you are electing to not go because you get ripped up and can't function, you could, as Dinah suggested, ask for supportive sessions, perhaps shorter ones. BELIEVE ME, this is the hardest thing I struggle with. I look at my responsibilities and think, I can't get everything done if I feel this bad. Repeat after my therapist, "it is OK to ask for support and not push yourself every session."
>>>>He called later after the session, and I started to open up, but inside I was screaming to myself to shut up, and so I did and closed down. He pleaded by saying if I came again this week, he had some things he had written for me that would help in moments of crisis when I was too closed to reach out. He is gently persistent, but again, it was like a stranger on the phone.
<<<<< I'm over stepping here, but it seems to me that the crisis is about your connection to him and because you feel alone, the suicidal demons are back. Going and spending the time to reconnect is probably a lot more valuable than a list you take away. He could mail it, if that was the case. Remember that strangers only remain this way until we spend a little time with them. Whatever side of you shows up in therapy might need to get reacquainted with him. Allow for this. Keep it basic. Ask a few questions and let him relate to you as you are at the moment -- in adult mode. I like Dinah's suggestion of talking about books, etc. Talk about what is important to you in the here and now also. Tell him about your son, your work, your favorite song. These "minor" conversations have an amazing ability to lead to more powerful things.
>>>>I'm really scared that too much has happened and he's completely gone.
<<<<((((Aphrodite))) He's not gone. You've just moved away. It is part of the trust dance. I'm on about my millionth time of pulling away. It feels horrible but the difference for me this time is that even though I'm in it, I know it is possible to come out of it. (Admittedly, I'm not writing this at 2am, when everything is different.) Sometimes it just takes time and forcing yourself to go back that makes the difference. Hang in there. It will get better.
poster:Daisym
thread:437564
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/437855.html