Posted by daisym on December 24, 2004, at 3:15:02
Tuesday afternoon I had a complete melt down -- I was talking to my therapist on the phone and I glanced up and saw myself in a mirror. The woman looking at me in no way resembled the child I felt like and it was like both worlds collided at that moment. I hung up and lost it completely. But I think I cried it all out and went to that place of sad exhaustion. I actually slept all night. Yesterday I had a very calm session. We talked a lot about therapy orientations and how different therapists deal with attachment and dependency. I told him about some of the discussions I've had with friends who are in therapy and how different an experience it is for everyone. He asked me if I thought I had the right therapist - if we were a good fit? (Is he kidding?) It was such a relief because I have felt so out of control and regressed for a couple of weeks. I needed to have a session where the adult could intellectualize about all of this. When I left it did occur to me that I should have had that session today -- before the Holiday break.
Today I gave him his gift and a funny card -- which he really liked. And I told him that I was having a hard time today...I was weepy and sad and terrified by the Holiday separation from him. I readily admitted that this was coming straight from the younger parts of me. And that I knew it was ridiculous because he never works on Fridays and we will have our regular session on Monday. So it *isn't* longer than usual. But it feels like I won't see him for a really long time. And it feels dangerous to go away...like I will lose him if I do but still, I have to go. As I told him all this the tears just came.
My therapist said he completed understood because psychologically it *was* a long time...there were events to be handled and family to visit and all of it combined to stretch the time. He said it wasn't the hours or days, it was the emotional toll. And the movement into a completely different person -- assuming my typical role in my family of origin. He said he could really feel that little Daisy didn't want to go and I didn't want to take her with me. I told him that I needed to close down everything we were working on in order to deal with my family He agreed that I needed to do that. But he also noted that even though that made me less vulnerable, it still meant going to that place of isolation and aloneness. Because shutting down also meant shutting him out. And the loneliness of that was no longer tolerable. He is so right.
He wondered if there was a time if we could touch base over the weekend but I said things will just be too chaotic. So instead he suggested not closing myself down all the way, but leaving the door cracked just a little and letting myself feel him with me. He said instead of ruling it out all together, that I should remember that I could call if I had a few quiet minutes or if I needed him. He also asked me if there was any other way he could help me internalize him a little more securely and I said I still had the picture he had given me and I wanted to keep it in my pocket as sort of a concrete reminder that he was out there, but I felt really foolish. He thought that it was a great idea and said that the adult gate keeper really needed to let little Daisy have this.
I nodded my head and said, "Well, no one would know I had it except..."
"You and me," he finished for me.
I was going to say "me." I was really touched by this, like we have a shared secret. We spent the rest of the session going over some of the old dynamics of my siblings, sort of planning things out.It wasn't the "easy" pre-Holiday session I imagined. It was a really emotional one, but still, now I feel like I can get through all of this with minimal tears. And I made him promise he would be there on Monday. Mostly I had never thought about time in a psychological sense vs. actual days.
Is anyone else experiencing this? Do these Holidays and other events feel like they stretch out the time? Do your therapists have suggestions for getting through?
poster:daisym
thread:433677
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041218/msgs/433677.html