Posted by Shortelise on December 11, 2004, at 16:26:23
In reply to Re: Are we onto something? » antigua, posted by crushedout on December 11, 2004, at 0:14:13
Crushed
The idea of not being able to have what we are longing for is horrifying. So you said. Or something like that.I am afraid that I must seem to be some sort of airy-fairy Pollyanna here sometimes. It's just that I try to be positive. When it comes down to it, there is no point, life is hard, it's painful and can be brutal. I live all of those things.
But I try to be positive.
All of that said, I find I am not longing so much anymore for the unaatainable, most of the time. No, I am not the ideal of personhood, not the saintly human who walks through life on a golden path. But the sh - er, I mean - crap I've slogged through in therapy these last six+ years have left me feeling better.
I've been able, somehow, and don't ask me how, to let go of some of the expectations I had of the world, I've been able to let go of some of my resentments and unfulfilled needs. Hey, says something inside of me, your mother cannot ever, ever, say to you that she thinks you are a fine, talented, intellligent, and valuable human being. She can't. But sometimes I can say that to myself and - gulp - actually believe it.
Sometimes I want to kill myself. Sometimes I want to live forever. SOmetimes I love myself, sometimes I hate myself. But I am rarely bored ;-)
So, Crushed, I guess my point is - do I have a point? - we are human, we can change, evolve. I have faith in this, believe it can happen in spite of ourselves, because believe me, I have fought it all the way.
I guess what I have found is other things to take the place of what I missed, what I needed that I never got. I have found things to fill those hollows, and maybe others can do it too. My therapist is one of the fillers, my husband fills some places, my cats, my friends, music, art, creativity, nature all fill places in my soul that yawn open in hunger at times.
And those places that remain empty I live with, learned and try to accept. I am complete despite them, or perhaps because of them. They are part of me, part of what makes me who I am, and I think everyone has them. They no longer frighten me as often as they did.
Forgive me if I lecture, forgive me if this is not how I am supposed to write here. I don't mean to be obnoxious and I hope someone would break it to me gently if I am. I just feel ... the people here are thinking, trying, asking questions and lookign for answers. That makes me think that we will find them, and that the effort of will that brings us here indicates a deep willingness to overcome.
ShortE
poster:Shortelise
thread:425938
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/427825.html