Posted by shrinking violet on November 27, 2004, at 21:58:57
In reply to Re: Dilemma....PLEASE help, posted by vwoolf on November 27, 2004, at 6:39:21
Wow VW, thank you! You were very helpful. I'm going to respond to portions of your response...
>> SV, first of all, congratulations for having the courage to send that email to your T. It must have been very difficult and I am sure you’ve regretted it already, but it took a huge leap of faith to actually trust her enough to let her know what is going on. You’ve probably never trusted anyone enough to do that before. And now you’re expecting her to reject you. Because probably you’ve been rejected before, and you think she will repeat the pattern.
--Yes, you definitely hit the target there. :) I hadn't realized it until I started T, but my T tries to keep pointing out that my needs weren't met (basic ones were, but not much else) and I was "neglected at best" is how she put it. And every time I tried to ask for something from my mother (a hug, or whatever) I was shooed away or yelled at, so instead I started writing notes to her and leaving them around the house, which were received better than my asking directly. Geez, is it any wonder I'm not very verbal, especially in therapy? So, yes, you are right. I keep expecting my T to reject me for needing too much. I'm still worried about it because it's sort of up in the air right now (she said she won't quit on me, but she also said she has to share the email with the director on Tue and I'm afraid he'll say I'm too much for them to handle).
>> But your T doesn’t seem to be rejecting you at all. She is actually telling you that she will keep calling all weekend to make sure you’re ok. She sounds as if she really cares a lot, and wants to stay close to you, because she understands how awful this must be for you. She sounds great, and really supportive. I know it is difficult for you to believe that, but she has read all the things you said to the Samaritans and she is not horrified. She doesn’t think you’re bad, or too needy or anything else. She can see your pain and wants to help. She wants to know if you need anything from her. Trust her. Let her mother you.
--Thank you, that was sweet. I try to belive that, and I try to believe her when she says that she is doing it because she cares, etc. But I'm still not convinced. And there are other signs to the contrary, like tonight she only called once and she called fairly late in the evening and by then I had been crying for six hours straight and really needed to hear from her. But then she sounded like she was in a rush to get off the phone and I felt like I couldn't really talk to her at all, so it felt pretty bad, as if (again) I'm too much to handle and I'm getting in the way of her time, etc.
>> I know you are not hearing this too well - you are probably misunderstanding what she is trying to say when she calls. You are determined to hear rejection, and phone calls can be difficult because you can’t see the person and their concern. It will probably be really difficult to believe that she can care until you see her again at your next session, and only then, when she doesn’t throw you out, will you begin to believe that maybe this relationship is different.
--IF she doesnt throw me out. I'm not convinced she won't. Right now I'm pretty close to running again. And okay, MAYBE when she called I heard her sound rushed, etc but maybe she wasn't. I don't know. I'm just dealing with more than I can handle right now.
>>she can see you more often, and you can afford to see her, do increase your sessions. I also find that I need more times a week to keep trusting, and although I feel quite dependent, I know I need the contact right now - it just feels right in some very small, hurt place, and I’ve decided to stop fighting that feeling.--another IF. She works at the counseling center at the Uni where I'm a grad student. It's a free service for students, so I don't pay her directly (I'm sure they get some of my tuition though, but it isn't the same, lol). Which is why I feel like I can't really ask her for more time, because I can't compensate her for it either, and the counselors there seem pretty stretched as it is with clients, and I don't want to monopolize her. I'm not sure what's going to happen; first I have to convince her that I was merely trying to ask for more sessions/time because I need more support right now and to try to get through this rough spot which ISNT due to the therapy like she thinks it is. And of course, now the director has to get involved and he of course will have a say as to whether I can see her more, etc. Right now I'll probably be lucky if they keep seeing me at all; I'm so afraid they are going to conclude that I'm too much for them to handle anymore.
>> Take care over the next while. Ask your T to repeat herself if you feel she is saying anything that you feel is hurtful - you’ll see that it is just your expectation of being hurt. I’m sure she isn’t doing anything to push you away. But keep checking with her. I ask my T to say some things over and over until I am hearing what she really is saying, rather that what I expect her to say.--I will try that, thank you.
Thank you for your thoughtful, sweet response VW. I appreciate it more than you know.
Hugs to you too.
SV
poster:shrinking violet
thread:420644
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041123/msgs/421125.html