Posted by fallsfall on October 20, 2004, at 7:50:42
In reply to It's raining, inside and out (trigger potential), posted by daisym on October 20, 2004, at 1:22:38
*** I know the letter will be hard to write. It is so hard for us to see and articulate our worth. You *HAVE* lots of worth, Daisy. I'm pretty good at editing - I could read your letter and suggest areas that you need to expand... 8^)
>That sometimes I get paralyzed in that old fear and I really can't think or make judgments, or see that I'm not as trapped as I was when I was a kid. That I'm an adult now and I have other options.
*** Exactly. This is why when you are *not* in such moments you need to firmly decide what you *really* want to do. So that when the black moments come you already have a decision (to live), and you already have a plan of things to do (call people who can support you). Because if you try to *decide* whether to do these things during the blackness, you will have a much harder time choosing to fight through the pain. It is like setting up a new law for your life - you essentially prohibit yourself from giving up. Remove that from the options you have to choose from. But that will only be successful if you have *other* options to choose from. The other options can be as simple as watch a 1/2 hour sitcom, or play a computer game, or bake cookies. Try to include letting a real person know that you are having a hard time. You can leave a message for a friend that says "Ugh - this is hard! I'm going to bake cookies now - can you check on me in an hour?" Maybe you don't want to actually talk at that moment, but I guess that letting someone know things are really hard makes me feel more *accountable*.
>And he "coached" me about how to leave a "desperate" message. I had to laugh at that. He did a great impression of corporate me, my best polite message voice. He said he has no way of knowing if I am changing a time or jumping off a bridge.
*** He is so smart. He is also giving you *permission* to call and not be doing OK. We are so used to holding it together. "How are you?" is followed by "I'm fine, how are you?". It is so hard to learn that when *some* people say "How are you?" that they really want to know the *TRUE* answer. That the *TRUE* answer isn't a burden for them because they really do want to know.
>
> At least he wasn't mad at me. He is concerned and wants lots of contact this week.*** No, he wasn't mad at you. Anymore than you are *mad* at your son when he gets anxious.
>I have a go away for business on Friday, Sat.& Sun and then I'm back for a BIG two day meeting with my own staff the following Monday and Tuesday. I can't even go to my regular therapy sessions, let alone extra ones. He suggested we meet late Monday night (7pm) for a "total support" session -- I know better, he's checking up on me.
*** Yes, he is checking up on you. But not because he wants to see if you are being bad. He wants to know if he can help you.
*** In my experience, a "total support" session means that he won't probe into the painful places, he won't try to solve things. He will help you to see reality more clearly, he will validate your pain, he will let you know that you aren't alone, he will give you comfort and encouragement. This is not a negative thing! And it isn't negative that sometimes this is what we need.
*** Think about a time when one of your kids had a fever. You bring them a blanket so they can get cozier on the couch. You bring them something to drink. You offer to make them food. You don't ask them to do their normal chores. You make them feel cared for. This is what a "total support" session is like. And you don't think that your kid is a burden for needing this support.
>
> I have no idea how to write this letter. It feels ridiculous and dramatic but at the same time, I tear up trying to think of the good things and what I would be leaving.*** Good. You don't *want* to leave. You need to get that idea very firmly in your mind. And heaven knows we (the "we" who know you - all of us) don't want you to leave.
>I'm sort of a mess...and I have a mountain of work to get through....so I'm not Babbling a lot. I tried to catch up tonight some, but if I don't respond to a post, please don't take it personal. I am reading and I do care about everyone here.
*** We all have our turn to need help and our turn to give help. Don't feel guilty about this being your turn to need it.
>I like Dinah's stool analogy...Babble is one of my legs too. Can I also steal, "this too shall pass"? Or better for me, "it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK." Now if I could only believe it.
>
*** How about "I am loved", "People care about me", "Some people - like your therapist - understand me", "I'm not bad".Love,
Falls.
poster:fallsfall
thread:405006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041016/msgs/405056.html