Posted by tabitha on September 24, 2004, at 14:29:10
In reply to Re: puffy eyes? frozen tea bags, posted by saw on September 23, 2004, at 2:07:52
First thank you for your replies. I felt a lift from reading them.
So I had my individual session. We talked on and on about how awful I felt after the last group, and the overall effect of group. She didn't use these words, but I got the message she thinks I'm just too damaged to have relationships. She said I've had so much pain, blah blah blah, and I function well when I'm alone, but I can't get close to anyone. I said well if this is true why hasn't therapy helped much, and she said I haven't let her do what she needs to heal my trauma. I'm like Huh? and she says she wants to do more EMDR. This was news to me. I don't even know what trauma she's talking about. I don't have abuse history.
So I'm thinking, well, here it is, the therapist's siren song. You're special because of all your pain, I can make sense of it, I can heal you. Just another couple hundred sessions. But no guarantees, of course.
This idea that I'm too damaged to have relationships makes me feel really hopeless. If I dwell on it much I get suicidal. I'm sure that wasn't her intent. Yet that's how I feel. The only way to keep that hopelessness away is to reject her interpretation.
I don't think group is a fair reflection of my ability to have relationships. It's a weird little microcosm, and the good parts of relationships are missing. It isn't based on fun or enjoying each other or just the pleasure of chatting about things, or joking and laughing together. It's all just talking about heavy pain and having permission to say whatever bugs you about everyone. This is supposed to be helpful feedback, or ways to get closer, but to me it feels like criticism, and it hurts. She says well this is what happens in relationships, you need to be able to handle it. But somehow it just feels worse in there. I never felt free to be myself, I didn't feel like myself at all. I felt like my worst therapy self, inhibited, miserable, and staring at the floor.
I guess I'm still trying to justify to myself that my experience with group doesn't mean what she says it means. Because I can't accept that I'm so damaged and incapable of relationships, and I don't believe EMDR is going to be some miracle cure. I just want to get away from her diagnosis, which is making me feel worse about myself, and more hopeless.
I keep feeling like I'm trapped in a cult that tells you your problems are way bigger than you thought, but don't worry, the cult has the answers.
poster:tabitha
thread:393540
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040918/msgs/394568.html