Posted by Dinah on August 14, 2004, at 13:01:28
In reply to Re: I am being unbelievably silly, posted by daisym on August 14, 2004, at 0:47:49
I thought I was ready to think about this this morning after sleeping all day yesterday, but after reading the responses I went back to bed for another hour.
When I think rationally, I am embarassed at the way my emotional side talks, both the tone of voice, the pitch, the neediness, the illogical content of what is said. And I can hear myself mocking me in intonation, and after therapy I think I've been horribly stupid and my therapist must think I'm a silly idiot. And even my emotional self thinks that maybe that is true. So what I told my therapist is that Maybe I thought it was true, perhaps even I did think it was true. That I *was* embarassed.
It's not like I do it on purpose. I say what I'm thinking and that may not be logical or socially acceptable. And as I get deeper into therapy and more emotional topics, my voice changes and I do sound more needy and dependent. And yes, that's silly.
He said he felt manipulated, and maybe that's true. I feel ashamed about it, and I wanted him to say "Of course you don't appear silly to me. Please don't feel like you need to change. You're fine as you are." or something along those lines. Instead he said "If you feel that way, why don't you change." And "I didn't *say* I agreed with what you said, but if you feel that way, I think you should do something about it."
Now part of why that's upsetting is that I know my therapist and how he responds to things. If he crosses his arms and tells me that something is my choice, I know what he means and I fuss at him until he says something more helpful. I know that if he says "I know you feel that way" with no "but" afterwards, in a gentle tone but with finality he really means "I know you feel that way and I think you're completely wrong and I think it's sad but I also know that I'm just wasting my breath talking to you about it." I don't like it nearly as much as "I know you feel that way, but..."
I know that if I did something he thought was admirable or even just fine, and came in and said I was ashamed or embarassed, he would work on the shame or embarassment, not the behavior. So if I came in and said "I got my hair done, and a manicure, and makeup and I feel ridiculous, like a clown. This isn't who I feel I am.", he would tell me all the reasons it was wrong to be ashamed and why it was a good thing to try new things. If I told him I wasn't sure I could physically care for my father and I was ashamed of that, he would tell me that some people can and some people can't and I shouldn't be ashamed of not being able to do that. But I told him I was ashamed of looking silly in therapy and he commented on changing the behavior, not on not feeling ashamed. I have a good guess what that means because I know him (or therapy him at least) so well.
If I told him what it was I wanted him to say, he'd probably say something as close to what I said as he could honestly say. But this isn't something where I can really do that, because... I dunno. But I can't. It wouldn't really be the same.
poster:Dinah
thread:377238
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/377587.html