Posted by Aphrodite on August 13, 2004, at 7:08:49
After 10 months of therapy, I finally called after much back and forth and confusion about calling him after hours in a moment of crisis and suicidal angst. I believe my fear of he disappointing me when I would be at most vulnerable scared me to death, and I kept it as an ideal "Plan B" and tried to never use it. But last night was just too much. You know how that can be . . .
He called back promptly and said he was about to call me anyway because he suspected I was not doing well after a particularly hard session the day before. He did all of the right things. It was late and I was curled up in my bed crying, and he soothed my angst. He talked specifics about the strengths I have and the hope I couldn't see. He said he would carry the faith for me until I could see the light of day again. He was gentle and kind. It made a huge difference to lean on him.
And today, I feel a strange hangover of regret. I am so frightened of how I dependent I felt when I called, how much I needed him when he spoke to me, and I have a fear of becoming addicted to his help instead of figuring things out on my own. He said he would check on me today -- one part of me is relieved, the other wants to tough it out to prove I don't need him.
I can't win for losing.
poster:Aphrodite
thread:377108
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040812/msgs/377108.html