Posted by partlycloudy on August 10, 2004, at 12:53:58
In reply to I'm obsessed with my identity, posted by Angela2 on August 10, 2004, at 11:40:59
I said once to my therapist that I wanted to grow up already - to see who I ended up being. She got mad at me! She said, "you're already grown up, it's just that you don't trust how you feel about yourself". I'm much older than you (sound like an old crone, don't I, little grasshopper?), and I have ALWAYS been troubled by who I seemed to be. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be a singer (I, too, was pushed in that direction when I was young), I wanted to be an artist, I wanted to be a scholar.
I've decided now that I'm all of those things, and more. I did supress my creative side for many years, seeing it as a frivolous and unrealistic expectation. I worked in offices, managed stores, learned a gazillion skills for jobs I flew into and ran away from. I work in an office now, sing in my car, and am learning how to make jewellery. So I feel that I'm being true to myself this way.
I think it's important to see ourselves as a synthesis of everything we've always wanted to do, or have done. Just like a mom isn't just a mom - she's a daughter, a sister, a wife. I think if we try to narrow it down to "artist" or "actress" we are looking for big disappointments when those goals aren't achieved at the success rate we'd like.
It has helped me a lot to keep a journal, and just do a brain "dump" - write without thinking, really. Just let the words come out of the end of the pen. It's amazing what you learn about yourself this way. Do it for 15 minutes every morning, before you're really awake. You'll be amazed at what you learn about yourself this way.