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Real time relationships

Posted by LG04 on August 2, 2004, at 15:13:06

In reply to Re: Sharing insight, posted by vwoolf on August 2, 2004, at 13:48:26

Hi Vwoolf, your post was very moving in its honesty and self-reflection. I have been there and am still there, with the uncontrolled crying and grief over a neglectful mother. It's excruciatingly painful. The other day I wished my mom were dead and I meant it. I think it's grief that is necessary to feel, since it's inside of us. But it sucks.

I wanted to address a specific issue you mentioned...I too am dealing with huge anger issues at my mom while seeing her often, and it's soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard. it's also new for me because i am just now moving back after 3 years and i didn't realize how difficult it would be with my mom. and i wonder if it's worth it, or if it will serve me in the long run to work thru these mom issues while in a real-time relationship with her. in therapy in israel, my mom hardly ever came up (except thru transference of course), but not in real time. in some ways, i think i am pulled back here in order to work these issues through. could that be? what do others think? will i reach a level of growth and maturity and a higher degree of resolution by working on a real relationship with my mom, rather than speaking to her briefly once a week on the phone from a foreign country? (that felt a heck of a lot safer...but i'm not sure it helped me resolve any of my issues with her. i think i did some "resolving" thru the re-parenting that my therapist did for me. but i think there are some things that my mom will continue to bring up in me until i deal with it directly.) OR, is it okay to avoid her for the rest of my life? would that hurt me or is that good for me?

my therapist in israel said she thinks that perhaps i have to deal with my relationship with my mom while living in the same city as her, to work thru things as best as i can and set boundaries, etc., and then i can be more resolved with it and more free to make whatever choices i want to make for myself (especially regarding where to live).

but a part of me isn't so sure. do we have to deal directly with toxic people? if she was a friend, i would have left the relationship long ago. okay, she is not a friend, she is my mom...but still, it's such a stressful, painful relationship for me. Though she is admittedly trying and has grown and she is willing to keep trying, i know she loves me, in however limited a way -- she is just so emotionally incapable of providing what i need/want from her. And she will never acknowledge the incest that went on for 14 years of my life under her nose.

What do others think?

by the way, i am not interested (in this point) in therapy with her. it's too overwhelming for me, and anyway, i feel certain she wouldn't agree to it. she hates therapy and thinks that therapists are the one who gave me "false memory syndrome." her denial is very very deep.


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poster:LG04 thread:371586
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040728/msgs/373237.html